Out of the Ashes

Here's wishing you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!

"could you please let me up from underneath your foot now?" ac

For all of you readers out there, and those of you who don't read very much I am in the middle of reading some books that I think would be beneficial everyone. There is a book for men and women and about unveiling the mystery of both sexes souls. They are written by John Eldredge (and his wife Stasi coauthored for Captivating). It isn't enough just to read the one for your particular sex either - because each book has a unique thing to say about the opposite sex and it is all something that we both should hear about ourselves and the other - and gives you glimpses into the heart of the oposite sex that helps you understand them and where they are coming from and how the heart can be damaged and broken so easily as you grow up. Anyway, I can see these books having a big effect on the way we treat one another and how we treat ourselves and how we need to come into who we are and draw closer to God so he can help fix the part of our lives that were damaged. I know there are some s

"Lord, I want to be used. I want you to use me as a star points towards heaven ... towards you. Leading others to your aboundless love that surpasses anything that i've ever understood. Take my hands and touch lives for your glory. In this world of darkness as your light is growing dim in this world it's hard to shine for you when I am dealing with so many attacks from Satan. It's hard to keep pointing at you ... please hold my hand up and help point it in the right direction cause it's dark down here and my arm is getting tired. Anchor me in you and show me all you have for me ... all my beauty, all that you see in my heart. Teach me through example and when I get lost, as will enevitably happen, guide me to your arms and remind me again that I am worth fighting for" ac

Never Give Up On Me { Jann Arden / Russell Broom / Robert Foster } "i’ve made more mistakes than i can count upon my finger tips i have been ashamed and i have felt as guilty as all sin counting every tear that drops cannot account for any let the past remain behind me now fill it up with goodness i’ll drink it down with love never give up on me i will never give up on you you’re everything i need oh just look at what we’ve been through so far so good i have wished on every star that shot across my broken heart i am still amazed that you came true i have kissed a hundred lips but none of them compare to this i have found myself inside of you you forgive my sad regrets and i forgive myself never give up on me i will never give up on you you’re everything i need oh just look at what we’ve been through never give up on me i will never give up on you you’re everything i need oh just look at what we’ve been through i love you"

I just thought i would all tell you today that I love my cat. As soon as i figure out how to get pictures on this freakin internet page I will show you all a picture of Scotty (or stinky as we endearingly call him around these parts) ... but until then I just think he is the cutest thing ever and since he is sitting here staring at me wanting me to play with him I just got the urge to let everyone know that he is maybe annoying and maybe wierd at times but he is very unique and his personality makes me laugh ... so there it is...

Sorry For Myself Written by - Jann Arden "I've been on my hands and knees Crawling towards eternity Looking for the piece of me that always got away And I've been so afraid to stand my ground So I simply shut my mouth Close my eyes Bite my lip And swallow every tear I can't do anything I don't believe in anyone I just feel sorry for myself all day long All day long Look inside my body baby See the twists and turns inside it Every blinding curve that drives you right around the bend I know you've had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion I am living a delusion and I do not give a damn I can't do anything I don't need anybody else I just feel sorry for myself For myself Look into my heart and tell me I am a complete disaster Wasn't that what you were after Always thought it was Wasn't I complete desire Filthy ash without the fire You could not have been much higher without some kind of drug"

"Two women are stiting at a table talking: 1st woman : Time just dissovles with these quick moving particles that are swirling away. Either I'm moving fast, or time is, but never both simultaneously. 2nd woman : Such a strange paradox. I mean, well techinically, I'm closer to the end of my life than I've ever been. I actually feel, more than ever, that I have all the time in the world. When I was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty, like thre was an end to the path and I had to get there. 1st woman : I know what you mean, because I can remember thinking, oh someday, like in my mid-thirties maybe, everything is going to just somehow gel and settle, just end. It was like there was this plateau, and it was just waiting for me and I was climbing up it. When I got to the top, all growth and change would just stop, even exhileration. But, that hasn't happened like that, thank goodness. I think that what we don't take into account when we're

"It doesn't interest me whatyou do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts desires. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of just being alive. It doesn't interest me what planetes are surrounding your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or if you have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hid, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with the wilderness and let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers to the bottom of your toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. I want to know if you can disapoint another and still be true

" 1st guy: If the world that we are force to accept is false, and nothing is true, then everything is possible. 2nd guy: On the way to discovering what we love, we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our paht and what we desire. 3rd guy: It'll never be comfortable for those who seek what is not onthe market 2nd guy: A systematic questioning of the idea of happiness. 4th guy: We'll cut the vocal chords of every empowered speaker. We'll yank the social symbols through the looking glass. We'll devalue socieities currency. 3rd guy: ...to confront the firmiliar. Soceity is a fraud so complete and venal that it demands to be destroyed beyong the power of memory to recall it's existence. 1st guy: Where there is fire, we will carry gasoline. 2nd guy: ...To interrupt the continuim of everyday experience and all the normal expectations that go with it. 3rd guy: ..To live as if something actually depended on one's actions. 4th guy: ..to rupture the sp

" I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake that you can make is to think that you are alive, when really you're asleep in life's waiting room. The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams, because if you can do that, you can do anything. Did you ever have a job that you hated, worked really hard at? Long, hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes ... and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimun wage, but now they get your dreams for free!" - Guy Forsythe (Waking Life) Crazy thought eh?

"wasn't it the way that our laughs filled the night and how our conversation felt so fresh, that made everything seem to finally feel so right. and now it is all seeming to come to such an abrupt stop - faster then this started (even though I knew this was inevitable) . . . it stops with you following a dream that you deserve so very much and me none the wiser to the what might have been. you've become so close to me in such a short time that i feel i've known you for years... and still i guess this will be as far as i get to telling you my true thoughts and feelings . . . for now" ac

" Wanderer: Hey Wiley: Hey Wanderer: Are you a dreamer? Wiley : Yeah Wanderer: I haven't seen too many of you around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead and noone does it anymore. it's not dead, it's just been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it, so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too... by dreaming, everyday. Dreaming with out hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced...ever. So, whatever you do, don't be bored. This is absolutly the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive, and things are just getting started." -Waking Life *I love this one!!!

"Ethan: I keep thinking about something you said. Julie: Something I said? Ethan: Yeah. About how you often feel like you're observing your life from the perspective of an old women about to die. You remember that? Julie: Yeah. I still feel that way sometimes; like i'm looking back on my lif. Like my waking life is her memories. Ethan: Mmm, exactly. I heard that Tim Leary said, as he was dying, that he was looking forward to the moment when his body was dead, but his brain was still alive - you know how they say that there's still 6-12 mins of brain activity after everything else has shut down? Julie: Mmm Ethan: And a second of dream conciousness, right? Well, thats infinitly longer then a waking second. You know what I'm saying? Julie: Oh yeah yeah yeah, definitely. For instance, I wake up and it's 10:12 and then I go back to sleep and I have those long, intricate, beautiful dreams that seem to last for hours and then I wake up and it's...10:13 Ethan: Yeah

" You can't fight city hall. Death and taxes. Don't talk about politics of religion. This is all equivalent of the enemy propaganda rolling across the picket linne. Lay down G.I. Lay down G.I.! We saw it all through the 20th century, and now, in the 21st century, it's time to stand up and realize that we should not allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. We should not submit to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control: those that control my life, and should seek to control it even more. I want freedom, that's what I want! And that's what you should want! It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose and just suck up the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control; Make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty,

" There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffere from an over-abundance of life. I have always found myself in the second catagory. When you come to think of it, almost all human behavoir and activity is not, essentially, any different from animal behavoir. The most advanced technologies and craftmanship brings us, at best, up to the super-chimpanzee level. Actually, the gap between, say, Plato or Neitzche, and the average human is greater than the gap that chimpanzee and the average human. The realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved. Why so few? Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress, rather this endless and futile addition of zeros? No greater values have developed. Hell, the greeks 3,000 years ago were just as advanced as we are. So, what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near thier real potential. The answer to that can be

"You know, they say that dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same things about life? See, there's a lot of us that are out there that are mapping that mind-body relationship of dreams. We're called the oneironauts; We're the explorers of the dream world. Really, it's just about the two opposing states of consciousness, whichc don't really oppose at all. See, in the waking world, the neurosystem inhibits the activation of the vividness of memories. . . . So, you have these seratonic neurons that inhibit hallucinations, that they themselves are inhibited, during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. See, this allows dreams to appear real, while preventing competition from other perceptual processes. This is why dreams are mistaken for reality. To the funtional system of neural activity that creates our world, there is no difference between dreaming a perception and an action, and actually the waking perception and action." Dream Guy

"It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. No you may get the 8 pack, or you may get the 16 pack... but it's all in what yo udo with the crayons, the colors, that you're given. DOn't worry about drawing within the lines, or coloring outside the lines; I say color outside the lines, you know what I mean Color right off the page. DON'T BOX ME IN! We're in motion to the ocean. We are not land-locked, I'll tell you that!" - Bill Wise(waking life)

"Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on things, painting them up as great human tragedies. But, we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no. Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers-that-be want us to be passive observers. And, they haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purley symbolic, participatory act of voting. You want the puppet on the right? or the puppet on the left? I feel that the time has come to project my own inadequacies and dissatisfactions into the socio-political and scientific schemes. Let my own lack of a voice be heard..." - self destructive man (waking life) The media plays major roles in our lives, and it is virtually inescapable in our North American society (and many other places in the world) - It is the main method for distributing news and informations to the public. But, in our corporate society, the media is heavily i

"So much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed; it's unspeakable. yet, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we have connected, and we think that we are understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion, and that feeling might be trasient, but I think it's what we live for." - Girl (waking life)

If you haven't ever watched the movie Waking Life, I would highly recommend it! I really enjoyed being questioned from all sides of the ideas of different people and it brings up some really good conversation stuff. the move is in some sort of weird cartoonish state of real people that said their lines in the movie. There is not real plot, just a guy who is having a weird dream that brings him to question life and dreaming in general. " They say dreams are real only as long as they last, couldn't you say the same thing about life?" So i am going to post some of the ideas (or quotes etc) from different parts of the movie and maybe start some conversations about it ... see what some of you think of the idea's

"It's been so long since i've heard from you. sometimes i wonder what you're up too or how you're doing. if you're happy or sad or just plain appathetic (which was never like you) i guess i've just been missing you a little more than usual. It's not that i'm not over the love that never existed, just for some reason the thought of you seems to always bring a smile to my face. I was remembering the days back then when you captivated me more then you ever realized (and it was more than i could handle) The thought of that smile of yours did wonders for me and your presence was always aniticipated beyond words and the way you lived you life i admired so much in you. I wouldn't wish away any of the moments we spent together cause they are filled with wonderful memories. with as few words as possible i loved you more then i fear i will ever love again and that scares me to death cause i am left with the memory of how you made me feel and to wonder wha

"i'm watching myself as i fall through the cracks of my disessembled life and i know there is nothing i can do to prevent this precarious fall cause now my hands are slowly slipping off this crumbling ledge and i am left hanging here with my dangerous thoughts and my prayer for you to catch me before i hit the ground"

sorry for the lack of posts lately.. it has not been my intention to leave my blog for this long i promise to get back to my usual blogging as soon as possible!

" Cathedral bells were tolling and our hearts sang on was it the spell of Paris or the April dawn? who knows if we shall meet again? but when the morning chimes, ring sweet again I'll be seeing you in all the old firmilar places that this heart of mine embraces all the day through in that small cafe, the park across the way the children's carouse, the chesnut trees the wishing well I'll be seeing you in every lovely summers day in everything that's light and gay i'll always think of you that way i'll ifnd you in the morning sun and when the night is new i'll be looking at the moon but i'll be seeing you" great song... since my busyness as caused some lack of writing .. i thought i would share with you a song that i really like...

"Precious Lord, i love you more then my words could ever say and my actions will ever show ... as my life goes up and down more times in a day then a rollercoater your prescence has brought me peace that is undeserved in many way and on many levels. although you know my stuggles and love me despite them your peace and your faithfulness teaches me more and more each day. i am more then eternally greatful for your love cause when there is nothing else ... i have you. and you is more then enough - the nearness of you in my life brings me joy throughout all I am and all i do, and even though i may put my life in the hands of other things - with you is where i want to be for the rest of my life and i am more than willing to keep trying to be the person you see in me. until the day i see you in heaven my heart is in my hand and i am giving it to you a small a token as it is it's all here and it's all yours" ac

"where do we go from here? whats the next step - i'm asking because i want to know what you're thinking! i'm not sure that i can say goodbye to this unsearched hole we have seemed to dig beneath us. to leave behind the undiscovered possibilities (which could be endless) i'm afraid to even open my mouth because of what might fall out of it. i know that it's not logical to open up a gate that has no place showing it's secrets but i wish we could have seen where this would bring us. and the sensible thing would be to see how life goes and where it brings us . . . but what if it brought us here... here is where we are right now and right now ... i want to spill out my thoughts out for you to hear ... cause if you don't then i just might regret the fact that you left as my heart screamed with all it's might and my just head kept telling it to shut up . . . and you leave without a clue" ac

"everything i could ever hope for is standing right in front of me and i let it pass me by (without even a flinch) i don't want to sit back and let you miss this (miss us) but i'm too afraid and insecure to believe that i could ever be good enough for anyone (let alone you) . . . is it too much to ask for you to want me . . . to need me? . . . before i send up flares that show you the writings on my heart. i want you to find me captivating - to see me for all i am and love me despite my failures. to see me and my naked heart and want no one else is that too much to ask?" ac

This was somethign that Jann Arden wrote - she keeps a jounal on her website ( www.jannarden.com ) and this is what she had to say today ... and when i read it it really made me think... and if you know me at all you know that i love the idea of love - so here is another view that i find very refreshing - so read it if you want ... or not... "All of This 05-Nov-2005 04:28 pm Love is the most mysterious of all things. What it is exactly, defies words and explanations. It’s just something that exists. It perpetuates all life. It is the force that binds the stars to the sky, the force that holds the sea just barely at the shore. It is love that keeps the balance of all things. War is the result of “loveless-ness.” It is the absence of love that causes all pain. When it touches you, love that is, you cannot help but submit. You risk all things for the sake of having love in your life; for having that ONE love - the one that is meant for you and only you. The one you remember when you

"how do you not see me? and how can i feel so passionatly about us when it as never even crossed your mind? and how can i see something that is so far beyond possiblity?" ac

"it's the way you smile that melts my heart. how you can make me love you more as each second passes and as each day slowly crawls by i can only hope to one day get to know your beautiful soul as i know my own. can you read all my eyes are saying? can you hear how much love my heart beats for you? cause if you listen closely they will tell you everything my mouth could never form into words." ac

"I am finally willing to give this up. I've held on so tightly to this dance that we never had and memories only i remember (the ones I made up in my head) and a dream that I thought could be relality that if i don't give it up now, i may loose the ability to discern between the two... so i guess all that is left to do is wait and see if there is really someone out there who will love the me i am so afraid of showing" ac

Why Do I Try { Written by Jann Arden Richards/Russell Broom } "Love broke my heart, love washed me up. Love made me sick, love swallowed me. Love made me weak, everything’s bleak. Why do I try Why do I try Why Love took my life, love stole my pride. Love killed my dreams, love made me mean. Love let me drown, love led me on. Love’s not my friend, love is the end. Why do I try Why do I try Why Love blinded me, love took my glee. Love laughed at sex, made me collapse. Love ended hope, love stopped the show. Love broke it all, love broke my heart. Why do I try Why do I try Why do I try Why" This song is basically not what i really think inside but i guess it's how my heart feels sometimes when everytime i fall for someone they seem to not feel the same way and it's not like it's happened often but it happened a couple times - so don't get me wrong.. i love the idea of love and everything about it .. and i can't wait to be there.. it's just funny how love

"touch my world with your fingertips and watch what will happen, what dreams will come to follow - we could have forever in any dream you want, but staying here we will never know where life could take us!?" ac

"I am unable to express to you the gratitude you so richly deserve. I love you more than life itself and yet sometimes i still forget who you are and what you did for me - the gift that gave me eternity- the complete anguish humiliation and utter pain that you suffered so that i could live forever. and still as much as i love you i have never shown you how greatful i am for the life you laid down and torment that you endured. despite all my failings i could never let you go because i can't shake the overwhelming sense of your presence in my life (even when i try too) besides, if anyone has the right to walk away from this it's you. because your grace and forgivness are something that i will never ever deserve" ac

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. - not that I remember 2. Where was your first kiss? - first kid kiss was at our end of year party in grade 3 - first highschool kiss at Saunders before computer class started 3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? um…can’t say that I have (as far as I know or can remember) 4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? I have – never mad though (just for fun) 5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? NEVER 6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?- their hands and their eyes and their personality (if they can make me laugh etc) 7. What really turns you on? If someone notices my moods (how im feeling), A good sense of humour, nice hands(my definition of nice hands though – I can be particular about that), when someone really likes me for who I am and not how I look 8. What do you order at Starbucks? Coffee (in morning there mostly), a caramel machiatto (I can’ spell

"i'm lying here unable to express the feelings of my unworthy soul. and writing about you and everything you mean to me has become as impossible task as catching a star in my hand. frivilous words could not even begin to tell the story of you heart . . . the story your eyes seem to tell so well. days and nights become endless . . . now what would you say if i could prove i wasn't crazy?"

"today... from all the little moments to all the smiles, you had my complete attention. as i am watching you i am filled with great anticipation waiting for your next move - knowing it will captivate me more than the last. as we talk, my heart beats faster and my stomach is full of butterflies. i feel as if i don't deserve to be here in your presence. as we are sitting at this table i wonder what other people are thinking. do they see the beauty that you hold? do you captivate their souls as you have mine? the feeling of invincibility comes over me as we are breathing in this fresh air of conversation. i have to admit i am barely listening to your words, but looking into your eyes. they seems to hold a whole new world for anyone who takes the time to look. they reveal the hidden secrets of your soul, and i am slowing finding your hopes and dreams and praying that one day i will see myself there as well. tell me... what do my eyes say? lok at me and tell me what you see ... can

i have recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about many things, and one of the main things i got from the conversation is that the church (at least mine) is full of members that are 50 + and therefore there is no input going into the church from the younger crowds who are a vital part of the church body! Now i have always questioned the idea of membership - going through the should i or not question and asking myself why it would be a good idea and am i willing to sit through the classes and go through the process - and up till now it has only been a nice thought that has come and gone every so often and only that ... after this refreshing conversation i have come to realize that change in the church is not going to happen unless we as the younger body of the church (20's and 30's etc) become members and actually go to the church meetings - complaining about how we want change is all well and good - but it takes action for anything to happen ... and our voices

"I don't think that i've ever told you that the way your eyes dance brings a smile to my face. i guess it's just one of those things that i have put on my "to do" list. those good ideas i get that never actually show their face. funny how a person can have so much to say to another and only end up smiling, yet screaming inside with all they have in them. hoping that maybe their eyes or expressions may give a little bit of what is going on inside of their heads (and hearts) away to the person that has captured their attention. I have been here once before, but never with you... never with a person that not only bring joy to my life, but who makes me want to be a better person and who makes all the cares and concerns of my life seem very insignificant. and now that i am at this place where words seem to fail me, i can honestly say that i have no where else to look. so for now, i will wait for the day that you notice me for all that i am and the day that i slowl

"Another day has almost come and gone Can’t imagine what else could wrong Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door A single battle lost but not the war (‘cause) Tomorrow’s another day And I’m thirsty anyway So bring on the rain It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round A couple drops and they all start coming down Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head I might be barely breathing, but I’m not dead Tomorrow’s another day And I’m thirsty anyway So bring on the rain I’m not gonna let it get me down I’m not gonna cry And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight" JoDee Messina i think this song speaks into my life enough without me saying any more

"i saw you tonight sitting beside me, crying with me, and holding me near to you and all i could think of is how could you love me that much . . . as much as to die for me . . . for my stupid hell deserving soul that is so often ungreatful and undeserving of even the very air that i am breathing into my lungs. I wish i could promise you that i will always live for you, i wish i could promise you perfection. But, in all of my trying I continue to let you down, so all i can give you besides a measly thank you is my life (that i so often take into my own hands) and my heart (that will often doubt and even get angry) and my soul (which seems to be such an simple and unworthy gift) and my praise (that will remain only towards you for the rest of eternity) and until i am with you forever that is all i have but words can't describe how i wish i could give everything you deserve (for this is just so little for all you nailed to that tree)"

as i am here in this extrodinary moment as i am thinking of you... as my hands are towards you, can you feel me, can you feel my thoughts, can you feel my head spinning with all the crazy ideas of me and you or just feel my energy cause my heart is screaming inside and praying that you'll feel even the slightest thing from inside of me"

"It is the incessant turmoil of the world, the constant attraction of earthly things, which takes our soul from Christ. We must be determined that whatever else we let slip through our fingers and from our minds, we will hold fast to Jesus." C. H. Spurgeon This world is so full of hate and evil - everything that God despises. It isn't easy to be here living here amongst Satan himself (who does everything in his power to make sin look appealing and most of the time does a sucessful job). Considering we are human and failing is part of our very being, it isn't a difficult task for Satan to creep up on any of us at any moment and take our minds and hearts away from the flawless one. God so badly wants us to love him and to follow him with our whole hearts - but this is nearly impossible here on earth because of all the attractive, yet sinful things that each of us engage in everyday - with each of us having our weaknesses that Satan and his army prey on every minute of

'i want so badly to touch your face with my trembling hands... and there are so many things muddled up in my head that are begging me to form words" ac

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting - but a women who serves the Lord is to be praised" Prov 31:30 I love this verse cause it brings me back quickly to what God finds admirable and beautiful in women. As as i have made it one of the many things i try to live by, i find it really hard to live as a Godly women and not by how the world lives. let me put that a different way - it can be hard not to think that beauty and charm etc is not important because it is important here -- and yes we are supposed to "live in the world but not of the world" But, it's just not easy. in fact ... it is very easy to get caught up in the fact that no one notices you unless your the perfect female picture. professionally as well as socially - and im sure it goes both ways to some extent and i'm not saying that guys don't have their own social norms they are "supposed" to live up too. im just saying that living in a world as a female and trying to live by those

"in my head i always see my life going so differently then in pans out. and the more i see you the more i wish i was living my dreams rather than this hidden unkept path i am headed down (the one that renders me unnoticed) i'm not sure what more i can do to make you see me, cause right now (in this reality) not only to you not see me but your glances pass through me like the light passes through a window (which is only good for letting light thru to the other side) while trying to find the one that you can't live without. i guess all i can ask for is a thought my way and a hope that maybe one day you will see me (not thru me) and smile - and somehow in that moment everything will make sense and i'll hold my breath hoping that the bubble won't burst . . . or maybe i'm just a big dreamer" ac

"i'm never quite the girl who's good enough to be anymore than the girl in the background. somebody's good friend, somebody's coach, somebody's hero, or maybe a great person but, i'm the one who's a little to quiet or not quiet enough. a little to radical, or too conservative. the girl who dresses a little to out of the box which is cool, but not an attractive quality to any man she may love. willing to steop out of the mold long enough for too many people to noitce and yet pretend they didn't. i'm the girl who is never quite what anyone is looking for. never pretty enough, never old enough, never dress right, maybea good idea in a time when outsides don't matter as much as what someone is made of on the inside. when inner beauty was the most beautiful thing of all... in a time when beauty is seen even if not pretty everyday. but in this world, i'm just your average looking, early twenty something who never says enough and who always fad

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;

"everything about this situation is leading me towards the fact that i should be running as fast as i can in the opposite direction . . . i guess thats what passed experiences do to someone like me i don't want to risk my heart again cause the last time it almost killed me and now i guess it jaded me to the place where i have trouble believing that love is an attainable thing for me cause the looming thought of the rejection (that will most likly fall from this) is too scary for my heart to cope with so, as always i am here at your feet Lord, praying for guidance from you once again hoping that you will pick me up and and tell me that everything will be ok. I know that i should be content right here (with me and you) and yet most of the time i have this unrelenting need in the back of my head that wants to know i am someone that someone else could love. i know you have control of this, in my heart, but i'm having a hard time convincing my doubting self conscious head . . .

Big Five Word Test Results Extroversion (21%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. Accommodation (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (55%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Inquisitiveness (70%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical. Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test personality tests by similarminds.com

"teach me to love like you and follow you with reckless abandon... i have this urge to know you better than anything ... to seek after you and understand you (as best i can) to live as you intended, to love you as you would have, to reach out to the needy.. use my life in what will best serve your will. my life is in your hands for now and forever. and even when i stray (because i will enevitably fail) i know that you will come find me and show me the way back home" ac

"waiting for you all these years has made me realize that dreams are a gift to keep a person sane when they are all you have to hold on too... and although what is in my mind may never come true when i close my eyes you are mine for eternity... when i close my eyes you love me too... and when my eyes open and light seeps back in i wait for the night when my eyes close again" ac

i wonder what would happen if i spoke all that was on my mind or if you would empty out the contents of yours. i'm afraid, cause i am starting to fall - my knees are buckling, my heart is pounding out of my chest, along with shortness of breath... and everything around me is blurry... but you. . . thats never a good sign cause my heart can't stand another break" ac

" i was just wonding if... it crossed my mind a few times that... do you think maybe we could... i don't know how to tell you, but... what would you say if... you see, all i want to know is... [silence] could you ever love me?" ac - 2001

"as always, after so long and so many excuses for you leaving, your return is greatly anticipated but for so many different reasons. seeing you again will be like meeting you for the first time and seeing you in a completely different light. i want to know what you look like without my rose colored glasses on... i want to see you as the rest of the world sees you, (with flaws and imperfections) to see you as. . . human" ac - 2003

"can't turn back now, you can't change my mind... (you no longer have the power) there is too much at stake this time, and i won't let you ruin this... I just can't look back or look into your eyes, there is magic in them that my heart can't break let me go, let me let go of you i want to know who i am without you you had your chance and my heart for way too long... and now i want it back i know i will always hold you in my heart, but i am attempting to take my life back and it is no longer in your hands i have flown away" ac - early 2004

"i am sitting here you missing you more than my fragile heart can take. i want to be bold, to tell you everything i feel (feelings that words could never fully explain). i long to talk to you, to hear your voice, but beyond all that, to let my eyes see you again and my hands to touch you so i know if it is real or just a dream. what must i do to convice you i am good enough (what must i do to convince myself?) good enough to be your girl, your love. i wish i wasn't so afraid of the outcome if only you could feel my love, hear how much love is in my heart, how it beats with so much love for you. but for now i wait. wait for a chance, for a bit of hope to shine though, giving me something small to hold on to... in hopes that one day it will be your heart." ac - 2002

"my mind is so lost living on a moment to moment basis waiting for something else to fall to peices in front of me that it is nearly impossible to make sense of the millions of thoughts scattered to every corner. in a mess so catastrophic that the puzzles of my life might never get solved (and i will just remain peices to an unfinshed masterpeice?). you have put me in the middle of something with no end in sight. so many things look the same that it feels like i'm walking around in circles. please bring me through this so i don't end up running in the wrong direction of every place you are . cause when it's all said and done, your the only thing that keeps me standing as you guide me blindly towards eternity" ac - 2005

"as the details of my world fall apart you are the solid ground on which i stand time after time. i'm sure that there is an end to this madness somewhere down the line and a reason for this mess that is covering me. but, it would be a lot easier to see it all from the view up there. It's not that I can't feel you here, i just doubt the fact that i acutally believe it. cause despite my faith and love for you, i've decided to plug my ears to the words you have tried to whisper in my ears. i guess i just don't want to hear everything that i already know again because sometimes it makes so little sense. so many times i get tangled up in my pain and confusion that i can't (or don't want to) get nraveled from the bundle of knots. Yet, in the midst of my consuming worry i could definitely use your reassuring words or feel your love -that i try to hard to resist- to encapsulate me. but now as i try to pull myself up off this floor and see above the thick fog i&

one thing i have come to realize now more than ever is that there are so many people out there and that most of them are suffering from a lack of love.. from everyone... including myself. we all walk around here and get caught up in our own worlds of whatever we do on a regular basis... of what our week consists of ... and the air of hypocracy crawls around me like a black cloud.... Where did Jesus go too in all of this... where did his radical ideas and out of the box of conventionalism go to ... we seem to have lost sight of exactly what God has called us to do... he didn't say we all need to go out and tell the world they are going to hell... he said we need to go out and make disciples and to love our neighbour (ie. other people) as ourselves... to go out and have lunch with the sick and to be friends with the social outcasts and broken spirited... we are not here to help the heathy - they don't need the help... how do we get so caught up in ourselves... how did selfishness

"through many periods of darkness i am catching glimpses of your light and warmth washing over me here. even though i can't see your face or hear your voice in an audible sense i can tell you are here with me in this moment. i see you in so many places and things that i cannot believe i forget or overlook your majesty. i can be so stubburn and prideful that ignore your plan for my life and treat it so recklessly. but, in this stillness - in this beauty that you created I am soaking you into my soul and rejuvinating my life while enjoying every bit of your creation. And yet, it is distinctly possibly i will once again discredit all you have done, taking it all into my own incapable hands. cause somehow, no matter how much you love me i will enevitably fail at this game as i puppet fails to stand on it's own. There is no concievable reason for my life to deserve redemtion looking thru these human eyes, but i guess that's the unconditional love in it all - cause through t

"I don't know exactly what's going on or how i ended up here but i remember you i remember your smile i remember those incredible eyes i remember your intoxicating life that i would lose myself in but you never saw me and i can't blame you for that so as i sit here drinking my coffee and mulling over the many memories i have in my head i could feel so many different ways the only one that seems fitting is to keep remembering you how i saw you then and dream of the better days ahead " ac - 2004

funny how it always comes back to this... me and you. no matter how long i stay away for or how much i hear from you my world revolves around us (the us that never was) how can i put so much energy into leaving you behind and only end up digging my heels in further?? I am fighting a loosing battle and i almost feel now like i'm wasting my time my soul is tired of waiting for a dream it never even tasted but it seems my heart is set against surrendering to the one thing it can never win" ac - 2003

there is this Sarah Mclachlan song that i absolutly love.and anyone who knows me at all know i think Sarah Mclachlan is about the best singer/songwriter out there... it is written as a love song but every time i here it i think of everything that God does for me and the song reminds me of him more than anything... anyway .. here it is.. Push - Sarah Mclachlan "Everytime I look at you the world just melts away. All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections, cause you see me at my weakest, but you take me as I am and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land. You stay the course, you hold the line you keep it all together Your the one true thing I know i can believe in YOu're all the things that I desire you save me, you complete me You're the one true thing I know I can believe. Well, I get mad so easy, but you give me room to breath no matter what I say or do cause your to good to fight about it and even when I have to push just to see how far you'll

"if i could spend the rest of my life in your eyes... i would be a lucky women. they are so real and magical with a sparkle of the unknown which is left in the air like the morning dew as the first ray of sunlight splashes over the horizon. it would be an honor to share your dreams and witness your life - to walk beside you through this short jouney. just looking at your dancing eyes and that incredible and loving smile i can't help but pray that one day i can be a part of your life" ac - 2005

these feelings of confusion surround me here could you lend me our eyes for a moment? this place i'm in crazy and complex. everytime i think i have it figured out you prove me wrong. so i found living in confusion is better than having reality smashed into peices. the more you show me the more i realize how small a part of this world i am and yet how big an impact can start from a tiny spark so, i'll just walk along this broken trail that seems to look vastly different each day and let you lead me through this trusting that no matter what changes you will remain the same. in my brokenness you are here beside me whether or not i can feel your breath do you mind if i close my eyes? i'd feel safer just holding your hand ac - 2005

"I'm so afraid of loving again, of opening my heart up - so terrified of rejection and the sting that lasts for so long after everything is said and done and i'm left alone with only my thoughts how do i put myself there again... when there are so many times when i just wasn't good enough - not enough of what they wanted.. i don't want to change who i am just to have love returned but it always seems to be the only way... i guess i just seem to get lost in the shadows of everyone else. and never quite enough. my confidence is lacking words to make me feel better and convince me that i can be myself. Lord i need you to love me and be all i need now and forever i just don't want to end up with another one of these scars on my heart tainted by unrequited love"

This experience is so far away from anything I've ever called home. our lives are worlds apart yet it seems that we could touch... How can beauty be masked by such pain? what if we noticed the beauty that wasn't pretty everyday? the beauty thatlives in this culture day in and out... that we deem a waste of our time. how do we see this part of society and love it pretending that we have not been taught to ignore it all... how do we model Jesus here in this place? this is our culture and the real problem here is how we refuse them the one thing they so desperatly want from us ... acceptance. ac - 2205

"have you read my eyes before? hidden inside them is everything i'm feeling, yet too afraid to speak.. but, if you look close enough you will find all you need to know" ac - 2005

i was recently watching some of the nooma videos - with Rob Bell. I find them all really making me ask serious questions about myself and learning new ideas about how i live. one of them was talking about the disciples and how they were not "the best of the best", but one of the many kids who weren't good enough to be a disciple of a rabbi (learn to be who the rabbi was). they were the kids who instead went and learned the family business. so when Jesus came around (a rabbi) and asked them to be his disciples, of course they were willing to drop everything to follow him ... (i can't really go into the depth of the movie but Jesus went out of his way to pick the ones who were not picked - to prove a point that we are all equal, and we all are worthy of following him and striving to be like him.) i used to think it was kind of funny how these men just dropped everything because he asked them too... but when you look at it from the perspective of the culture, Jesus askin

"if you saw deep inside my soul. saw me for everything i am. saw all the love that could be held in my heart only for you... would it phase you? am i fooling myself? if it foolish to believe that you could every love me? hopeless to dream that one day my life could mean more to you than your own? i am lost in my own world of ignorance. set apart from reality seeing only you ... wanting only you. could you ever see past my imperfections? will you ever see me for what i am instead of what i'm not? i might be everything you've been looking for and i can make you happy. there's nothing i wouldn't do and until you give me the chance to prove my words i'll keep wishing you were here" ac

"how do i say the words that dare not come out of my mouth my mind thinks up such crazy things that so desperatly want to be shared with you - it all seems so jumbled and turned upside down when said out loud (funny how it makes perfect sense in my head) i feel so many things and my emotions are running so high i don't think they'll ever come down. spinning thoughts at a pace i can't keep up with" ac - 2005

it's funny - all the places life brings us and the people we meet as we live our lives. different people have profoundly different reasons for being in your life- but all of them have help you become the person you are right now... i just thought i would write out a random blog to let everyone who is now or was in my life know that i wouldn't have changed a moment, because i wouldn't be here now - as the person i am if God had not brought you into my life (and that means all the good and bad times that came along with everything) God has done more things for me and my life - and i know i have many disagreements with him (which i loose) but he always proves himself (which is not something he has to do) and even though i may not understand a lot of things - i do have faith that He has my best intersts at the heart of everything - and he has this incredible plan for who he wants me to be - which is sometimes hard to grasp - it boggles my mind as to why he cares so much for me,

"I couldn't stay stuck there forever... i had to pick myself back up and move on - my heart didn't want to, but since you didn't listen to your's i stopped listening to mine. so, my head too it kicking and screaming in the opposite direction of everything I ever hoped for and painted a smile on my face to be honest, it grew on me i couldn't just stay, waiting for you to give me the chance i deserved... so i slowly moved on if you even care" ac 2004

what i am to feel right now? i'm alone, empty, seemingly cursed by the world i've got so much to give so why to i feel so utterly useless.. i've grown up and looked back on my still short life... wonder how my niavity got me here. everything is closing in on me now and the light is evaporating so easily into the incompassing darkness where am i in this mess, more importantly... where are you? how do we live as we should and love one another with all the hate and evil among us? how do we convince ourselves that we need to act together, to love together... please take me our of my selfishness long enough to hear your voice. i'm crying out on the inside, but i'm not allowing myself to say it out loud - afraid where the outcome will put me and what i will have to face. seep your strength and love into my soul... give me that push off this building - cause i can't jump on my own. i'm scared to death of landing on my face. give me the faith that you are here to he

i am a simple minded human and yet despite my idiosyncracies and imperfections you still love me - more than i could ever reason through or deserve. you are the reason i smile, the reason i dream, the reason i live. without you no purpose exists and meaning disappears and no matter how many times i try to do this on my own and fail - and i have to learn the lesson again. you always come running when you hear me call your name. as i'm wandering down this dark and gloomy road - i have lost sight of you please grab hold of my hand before i get lost yet again i know you're right here with me, but it gets so easy to forget. quietly remind me that there is more than this. this pain... this hopelessness - cause it continually overwhelms me... i do know Lord that no matter how many times i get lost or stray from your path my heart will never leave your hand and your eyes are always watching me. i know you will always help me find my way back to into your arms" ac - 2005

World on Fire - Sarah Mclachlan http://www.sarahmclachlan.com/ "The worlds on fire its more then I can handle Ill tap into the water try and bring my share Try to bring more, more then I can handle Bring it to the table Bring what I am able Hearts are worn in these dark ages Youre not alone in these stories pages The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying And Ill try to hold it in Yeah Ill try to hold it in Chorus I watch the heavens but I find no calling Something I can do to change whats coming Stay close to me while the skys falling I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone Chorus Hearts break hearts mend love still hurts Visions clash planes crash still theres talk of saving souls still colds closing in on us We part the veil on our killer sun Stray from the straight line on this short run The more we take the less we become The fortune of one man means less for some" sometimes i feel like there is so little i can do - so helpless and so little in this bi

"look at that star isn't it incredible? it's my favorite... i've been reaching for it and no matter how hard i try and how high i jump it never seems to be enough still, i never stop trying - i'm so desperate to see what lies beyond it what would it mean for my insignificant life to actually reach up and grab hold of it? it is always shining brighter each day mocking me as i jump with all my might and yet, i'll never fully realize just how niave it is to reach out for it - the one that will always be just beyond my grasp" ac - 2005

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we got to talking about a few things. Like how do we as christians impact this world. i find that it is important to wait for God to give us the right opportunities and not jump in too quickly. but first and foremost we have to realize that as a whole - we are powerful - we have GOd behind us every step of the way. we need to grasp onto him and onto each other, forgetting all of the crap and petty nonesense that we get so caught up and stop fighting with each other... the more we focus on the each others sins and each others problems, the more we stop focusing on loving each other and we really forget about loving all people. if we can't even get ourselves to work with each other and get the focus out of our own little "me" world... then we are never going let God do his will. He gave us a task and that is to go out and make disciples - but we seem to take it on individuals. yet we need to realize how powerful we can be

"At the foot of the cross I'm laying my life down cause I can't carry these burdens, they are too hard to bare. I know you forgive me all my past indescretions, but for all of my trying, I continue to fail. What could a fool like me have possibly done to deserve this undying love I'm so twisted and messed up, frustrated and confused... how can I be worth all of you? I'm so afraid of the life that i've left behind me and scared to death that I'm just to far gone. Please reach out and touch me, come into this fallen soul removing all these doubts from my head Pick me up, hold my hand and remind me that I'm not alone. Teach me your ways Lord and how I should live my remaining days on this earth."

" so it looks as if i'm left here alone with my thoughts once again for being up all night tends to leave a mind to wander and with your return just short of reality little else has been on my mind (surprisingly) the anticipation leaves my heart anxious with wonder and excitement just to see you again (your smile, your eyes, your...) memeories of the past come flooding back and bring a sweet, but short lived smile to my face and a warmth to my heart the pictures i have of you have become old and faded - i guess it's about time for some new ones - yet, all the new and exciting pictures - well they last a while - will eventually fade and distort with time and i will again be reminded of how very far apart we really are" ac - june 1/04

"There are few people who ever truly experience exactly what it is you hold inside your eyes but, it's as if i am seeing the world for the first time, and i could stay here forever if you'd let me?" ac - march 2003

" underneath it all, i'm finding it hard to breath... i was climbing up the wrong side of this collapsing hole when i tried to get you to notice me, i should have looked to someone else all my energy and time spent clawing at a crumbling wall was in vain - the only thing i proved to myself was how heartless you are and now niave i was to believe that my screaming and thrashing arms could have even turned your head. you jut sat there and pretended you didn't know i was crazy about you well, don't bother yourself now, i found a way to breath, a way to pull myself up... even you couldn't bury me alive" ac - june 2004