Showing posts from 2005

Merry Christmas

Here's wishing you all a very merry Christmas and a happy new year!


"could you please
let me up
from underneath
your foot now?"


Captivating/Wild at Heart

For all of you readers out there, and those of you who don't read very much
I am in the middle of reading some books that I think would be beneficial everyone.
There is a book for men and women and about unveiling the mystery of both sexes souls.
They are written by John Eldredge (and his wife Stasi coauthored for Captivating).

It isn't enough just to read the one for your particular sex either - because each book has a unique thing to say about the opposite sex and it is all something that we both should hear about ourselves and the other - and gives you glimpses into the heart of the oposite sex that helps you understand them and where they are coming from and how the heart can be damaged and broken so easily as you grow up.

Anyway, I can see these books having a big effect on the way we treat one another and how we treat ourselves and how we need to come into who we are and draw closer to God so he can help fix the part of our lives that were damaged.

I know there are some skepti…
I want to be used.
I want you to use
me as a star points
towards heaven
towards you.
Leading others
to your aboundless
love that surpasses
that i've
ever understood.
Take my hands
and touch lives
for your glory.
In this world
of darkness
as your
light is growing dim
in this world
it's hard to
shine for you
when I am
dealing with so
many attacks from
It's hard to keep pointing
at you
please hold my
hand up
and help
point it in the
right direction
cause it's dark down here
and my arm is getting
Anchor me in you
and show me
all you have for me
all my beauty,
all that you
see in my heart.
Teach me through example
and when I get lost,
as will enevitably happen,
guide me
to your arms
and remind me
that I
am worth
fighting for"


Another Great Song I thought I'd share with you!

Never Give Up On Me
{ Jann Arden / Russell Broom / Robert Foster }

"i’ve made more mistakes than i can count upon my finger tips
i have been ashamed and i have felt as guilty as all sin
counting every tear that drops cannot account for any
let the past remain behind me now
fill it up with goodness
i’ll drink it down with love

never give up on me
i will never give up on you
you’re everything i need
oh just look at what we’ve been through
so far so good

i have wished on every star that shot across my broken heart
i am still amazed that you came true
i have kissed a hundred lips
but none of them compare to this
i have found myself inside of you
you forgive my sad regrets
and i forgive myself

never give up on me
i will never give up on you
you’re everything i need
oh just look at what we’ve been through

never give up on me
i will never give up on you
you’re everything i need
oh just look at what we’ve been through

i love you"

My Cat!

I just thought i would all tell you today that I love my cat.
As soon as i figure out how to get pictures on this freakin internet page I will
show you all a picture of Scotty (or stinky as we endearingly call him around these parts) ... but until then I just think he is the cutest thing ever and
since he is sitting here staring at me wanting me to play with him
I just got the urge to let everyone know that he is maybe annoying and
maybe wierd at times but he is very unique and his personality makes me laugh ...
so there it is...

Don"t we all feel a little bit like this sometimes???

Sorry For Myself
Written by - Jann Arden

"I've been on my hands and knees
Crawling towards eternity
Looking for the piece of me that always got away
And I've been so afraid to stand my ground
So I simply shut my mouth
Close my eyes
Bite my lip
And swallow every tear

I can't do anything
I don't believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself all day long
All day long

Look inside my body baby
See the twists and turns inside it
Every blinding curve that drives you right around the bend
I know you've had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion
I am living a delusion and I do not give a damn

I can't do anything
I don't need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
For myself

Look into my heart and tell me I am a complete disaster
Wasn't that what you were after
Always thought it was
Wasn't I complete desire
Filthy ash without the fire
You could not have been much higher without some kind of drug"

I think that what we don't take into account when we're young is our endless curiousity. thats what so great about being human

"Two women are stiting at a table talking:

1st woman: Time just dissovles with these quick moving particles that are swirling away. Either I'm moving fast, or time is, but never both simultaneously.
2nd woman: Such a strange paradox. I mean, well techinically, I'm closer to the end of my life than I've ever been. I actually feel, more than ever, that I have all the time in the world. When I was younger, there was a desperation, a desire for certainty, like thre was an end to the path and I had to get there.
1st woman:I know what you mean, because I can remember thinking, oh someday, like in my mid-thirties maybe, everything is going to just somehow gel and settle, just end. It was like there was this plateau, and it was just waiting for me and I was climbing up it. When I got to the top, all growth and change would just stop, even exhileration. But, that hasn't happened like that, thank goodness. I think that what we don't take into account when we're young i…

Love (what else is there to say)

"It doesn't interest me whatyou do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts desires.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of just being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planetes are surrounding your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or if you have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hid, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with the wilderness and let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers to the bottom of your toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.
I want to know if you can disapoint another and still be true to…

it will be an intensity never before known in everyday life...

" 1st guy: If the world that we are force to accept is false, and nothing is true, then everything is possible.
2nd guy: On the way to discovering what we love, we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our paht and what we desire.
3rd guy: It'll never be comfortable for those who seek what is not onthe market
2nd guy: A systematic questioning of the idea of happiness.
4th guy: We'll cut the vocal chords of every empowered speaker. We'll yank the social symbols through the looking glass. We'll devalue socieities currency.
3rd guy: confront the firmiliar. Soceity is a fraud so complete and venal that it demands to be destroyed beyong the power of memory to recall it's existence.
1st guy: Where there is fire, we will carry gasoline.
2nd guy: ...To interrupt the continuim of everyday experience and all the normal expectations that go with it.
3rd guy: ..To live as if something actually depended on one's actions.
4th guy: rupture the spell of …

The trick is to combine your waking, rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams

"I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake that you can make is to think that you are alive, when really you're asleep in life's waiting room. The trick is to combine your waking rational abilities with the infinite possibilities of your dreams, because if you can do that, you can do anything. Did you ever have a job that you hated, worked really hard at? Long, hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes ... and immediately you wake up and realize that the whole day at work had been a dream. It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimun wage, but now they get your dreams for free!"
- Guy Forsythe (Waking Life)

Crazy thought eh?

my utterly predictable life

"wasn't it the way
that our laughs filled the night
and how our conversation
felt so fresh,
that made everything seem to
finally feel so right.
and now it is all seeming to
come to such
an abrupt stop -
faster then this started
(even though I knew this was inevitable)
. . .
it stops
with you following a dream
that you deserve so very much
and me none the wiser to the
what might have been.

you've become so close to me
in such a short time
that i feel i've known you
for years...
and still
i guess this will
be as far as i get to
telling you
my true thoughts
and feelings
. . .
for now"


This Is Absolutly the Most Exciting TIme We Could Have Hoped To Be Alive

"Wanderer: Hey
Wiley: Hey
Wanderer: Are you a dreamer?
Wiley: Yeah
Wanderer: I haven't seen too many of you around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers. They say dreaming is dead and noone does it anymore. it's not dead, it's just been forgotten, removed from our language. Nobody teaches it, so nobody knows it exists. The dreamer is banished to obscurity. Well, I'm trying to change all that, and I hope you are too... by dreaming, everyday. Dreaming with out hands and dreaming with our minds. Our planet is facing the greatest problems it's ever faced...ever. So, whatever you do, don't be bored. This is absolutly the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive, and things are just getting started."

-Waking Life

*I love this one!!!

Maybe I only exist in your mind

"Ethan: I keep thinking about something you said.
Julie: Something I said?
Ethan: Yeah. About how you often feel like you're observing your life from the perspective of an old women about to die. You remember that?
Julie: Yeah. I still feel that way sometimes; like i'm looking back on my lif. Like my waking life is her memories.
Ethan: Mmm, exactly. I heard that Tim Leary said, as he was dying, that he was looking forward to the moment when his body was dead, but his brain was still alive - you know how they say that there's still 6-12 mins of brain activity after everything else has shut down?
Julie: Mmm
Ethan: And a second of dream conciousness, right? Well, thats infinitly longer then a waking second. You know what I'm saying?
Julie: Oh yeah yeah yeah, definitely. For instance, I wake up and it's 10:12 and then I go back to sleep and I have those long, intricate, beautiful dreams that seem to last for hours and then I wake up and it's...10:13
Ethan: Yeah, exact…

I want freedom, that's what I want! and that's what you should want!

" You can't fight city hall. Death and taxes. Don't talk about politics of religion. This is all equivalent of the enemy propaganda rolling across the picket linne. Lay down G.I. Lay down G.I.! We saw it all through the 20th century, and now, in the 21st century, it's time to stand up and realize that we should not allow ourselves to be crammed into this rat maze. We should not submit to dehumanization. I don't know about you, but I'm concerned with what's happening in this world. I'm concerned with the structure. I'm concerned with the systems of control: those that control my life, and should seek to control it even more. I want freedom, that's what I want! And that's what you should want! It's up to each and every one of us to turn loose and just suck up the greed, the hatred, the envy, and yes, the insecurities, because that is the central mode of control; Make us feel pathetic, small, so we'll willingly give up our sovereignty,…


" There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffere from an over-abundance of life. I have always found myself in the second catagory. When you come to think of it, almost all human behavoir and activity is not, essentially, any different from animal behavoir. The most advanced technologies and craftmanship brings us, at best, up to the super-chimpanzee level. Actually, the gap between, say, Plato or Neitzche, and the average human is greater than the gap that chimpanzee and the average human. The realm of the real spirit, the true artist, the saint, the philosopher, is rarely achieved. Why so few? Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress, rather this endless and futile addition of zeros? No greater values have developed. Hell, the greeks 3,000 years ago were just as advanced as we are. So, what are these barriers that keep people from reaching anywhere near thier real potential. The answer to that can be…

Dreams vs. the waking life

"You know, they say that dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same things about life? See, there's a lot of us that are out there that are mapping that mind-body relationship of dreams. We're called the oneironauts; We're the explorers of the dream world. Really, it's just about the two opposing states of consciousness, whichc don't really oppose at all. See, in the waking world, the neurosystem inhibits the activation of the vividness of memories. . . . So, you have these seratonic neurons that inhibit hallucinations, that they themselves are inhibited, during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. See, this allows dreams to appear real, while preventing competition from other perceptual processes. This is why dreams are mistaken for reality. To the funtional system of neural activity that creates our world, there is no difference between dreaming a perception and an action, and actually the waking perception and action."

Dream Guy…

Boat Car Guy

"It's like you come onto this planet with a crayon box. No you may get the 8 pack, or you may get the 16 pack... but it's all in what yo udo with the crayons, the colors, that you're given. DOn't worry about drawing within the lines, or coloring outside the lines; I say color outside the lines, you know what I mean Color right off the page. DON'T BOX ME IN! We're in motion to the ocean. We are not land-locked, I'll tell you that!"

- Bill Wise(waking life)

The powers that be want us to be passive observers

"Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on things, painting them up as great human tragedies. But, we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no. Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers-that-be want us to be passive observers. And, they haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purley symbolic, participatory act of voting. You want the puppet on the right? or the puppet on the left? I feel that the time has come to project my own inadequacies and dissatisfactions into the socio-political and scientific schemes. Let my own lack of a voice be heard..."
- self destructive man (waking life)

The media plays major roles in our lives, and it is virtually inescapable in our North American society (and many other places in the world) - It is the main method for distributing news and informations to the public. But, in our corporate society, the media is heavily …

So much of our experience is intangible

"So much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed; it's unspeakable. yet, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we have connected, and we think that we are understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion, and that feeling might be trasient, but I think it's what we live for." - Girl (waking life)

Waking Life

If you haven't ever watched the movie Waking Life, I would highly recommend it! I really enjoyed being questioned from all sides of the ideas of different people and it brings up some really good conversation stuff. the move is in some sort of weird cartoonish state of real people that said their lines in the movie. There is not real plot, just a guy who is having a weird dream that brings him to question life and dreaming in general.

" They say dreams are real only as long as they last, couldn't you say the same thing about life?"

So i am going to post some of the ideas (or quotes etc) from different parts of the movie and maybe start some conversations about it ... see what some of you think of the idea's

the thought of you

"It's been so long since
i've heard from you.
sometimes i wonder
what you're up too
or how you're doing.
if you're happy or sad
or just plain appathetic
(which was never like you)
i guess i've just been
missing you a little more
than usual.
It's not that i'm not
over the love that never
existed, just
for some reason
the thought of you
seems to always bring a smile
to my face.
I was remembering
the days back then
when you captivated
me more then you ever realized
(and it was more than i could handle)
The thought of that smile of yours
did wonders for me
and your presence was
always aniticipated
beyond words
and the way you lived you life
i admired so much in you.
I wouldn't wish away
any of the moments we spent together
cause they are filled with wonderful
with as few words
as possible
i loved you
more then i fear i
will ever love again
and that scares me to death
cause i am left with the
memory of how you
made me feel
and to wonder
what it will
take to exceed the
amount of love t…

f a l l i n g

"i'm watching myself
as i fall through the
of my disessembled life
i know
there is nothing
i can do
to prevent this
precarious fall
cause now
my hands are
slowly slipping off
this crumbling ledge
i am left hanging here
my dangerous thoughts
and my prayer
for you
to catch me
before i hit
the ground"

exam and essay time

sorry for the lack of posts lately..
it has not been my intention to leave
my blog for this long
i promise to
get back to my
usual blogging as soon as possible!

I'll be seeing you

" Cathedral bells were tolling
and our hearts sang on
was it the spell of Paris
or the April dawn?
who knows if we shall meet again?
but when the morning chimes,
ring sweet again

I'll be seeing you
in all the old firmilar places
that this heart of mine embraces
all the day through
in that small cafe,
the park across the way
the children's carouse,
the chesnut trees
the wishing well

I'll be seeing you in every
lovely summers day
in everything that's light and gay
i'll always think of you that way
i'll ifnd you in the morning sun
and when the night is new
i'll be looking at the moon
but i'll be seeing you"

great song... since my busyness as caused some lack of writing .. i thought i would share with you a song that i really like...

my gift

"Precious Lord,
i love you more then my words could
ever say
and my actions
will ever show
as my life goes up
and down
more times in
a day then a rollercoater
your prescence
has brought me peace
that is
undeserved in many way
and on many levels.
although you know
my stuggles
and love me despite them
your peace and your
faithfulness teaches
me more and more each day.
i am more then eternally greatful
for your love
cause when there is nothing else
i have you.
and you is more then
enough -
the nearness of you
in my life
brings me joy throughout
all I am and all i do,
and even though i may
put my life in the hands of
other things -
with you is where
i want to be for the rest of my life
and i am more than willing to keep trying
to be the person you see in me.
until the day
i see you in heaven
my heart is in my hand
and i am
giving it to you
a small a token as it is
it's all here
it's all yours"


not so practical??

"where do we go from here?
whats the next step -
i'm asking because
i want to know what you're thinking!
i'm not sure that i can say goodbye
to this unsearched hole
we have seemed to
dig beneath us.
to leave behind
the undiscovered possibilities
(which could be endless)
i'm afraid to even open
my mouth
because of what might fall
out of it.
i know that it's not logical
to open up a gate that
has no place showing it's
but i wish we could
have seen where this would
bring us.
and the sensible thing
would be to see
how life goes and where it brings us
. . .
but what if it brought us here...
here is where we are
right now
and right now ...
i want to spill out my
thoughts out for you
to hear ...
cause if you don't
then i just might
regret the fact that
you left
as my heart screamed
with all it's might
and my just head
kept telling it
to shut up
. . .
and you leave
without a clue"


hear my unsaid words

"everything i
could ever hope
for is standing right
in front of me
and i let it pass me by
(without even a flinch)
i don't want to sit
back and let you
miss this
(miss us)
but i'm too
afraid and insecure to
believe that
i could ever be
good enough for
(let alone you)
. . .
is it too much
to ask for you
to want me
. . .
to need me?
. . .
before i send up flares
that show you
the writings
on my heart.
i want you
to find me
captivating -
to see me for all
i am and love me
despite my
to see me
and my naked
and want no
one else

is that too much
to ask?"

This was somethign that Jann Arden wrote - she keeps a jounal on her website ( and this is what she had to say today ... and when i read it it really made me think... and if you know me at all you know that i love the idea of love - so here is another view that i find very refreshing - so read it if you want ... or not...

"All of This
05-Nov-2005 04:28 pm

Love is the most mysterious of all things. What it is exactly, defies words and explanations. It’s just something that exists. It perpetuates all life. It is the force that binds the stars to the sky, the force that holds the sea just barely at the shore. It is love that keeps the balance of all things. War is the result of “loveless-ness.” It is the absence of love that causes all pain. When it touches you, love that is, you cannot help but submit. You risk all things for the sake of having love in your life; for having that ONE love - the one that is meant for you and only you. The one you remember when you bre…


"how do you not
see me?
and how
can i feel
so passionatly
when it
as never even
crossed your mind?
and how can i see
something that is
so far beyond


hear what i'm not saying

"it's the way you smile
that melts my heart.
how you can make
me love you more
as each second passes
and as each day slowly
crawls by
i can only hope to
one day
get to know your
beautiful soul
as i know my own.
can you read
all my eyes are saying?
can you hear how
much love
my heart beats for you?
cause if you listen closely
they will tell you
everything my
mouth could never
form into words."

the line between dreaming and reality

"I am finally willing to give this up.
I've held on so tightly
to this dance that we never had
and memories
only i remember
(the ones I made up in my head)
and a dream that I thought
could be relality
that if i don't give it up now,
i may loose the ability
to discern between
the two...
so i guess
all that is left to
do is wait
and see
if there is really
someone out there
who will love
the me
i am so afraid of


Why Do I Try

Why Do I Try
{ Written by Jann Arden Richards/Russell Broom }

"Love broke my heart,
love washed me up.
Love made me sick,
love swallowed me.
Love made me weak,
everything’s bleak.

Why do I try
Why do I try

Love took my life,
love stole my pride.
Love killed my dreams,
love made me mean.
Love let me drown,
love led me on.
Love’s not my friend,
love is the end.

Why do I try
Why do I try

Love blinded me,
love took my glee.
Love laughed at sex,
made me collapse.
Love ended hope,
love stopped the show.
Love broke it all,
love broke my heart.

Why do I try
Why do I try
Why do I try

This song is basically not what i really think inside but i guess it's how my heart feels sometimes when everytime i fall for someone they seem to not feel the same way and it's not like it's happened often but it happened a couple times - so don't get me wrong.. i love the idea of love and everything about it .. and i can't wait to be there.. it's just funny how love and our society work together to …

taking a chance

"touch my world
with your fingertips
and watch what will happen,
what dreams will come
to follow -
we could have forever
in any dream you
but staying here
we will never know
where life could
take us!?"


The greatest love - the undeserving soul

"I am unable to express to you
the gratitude you
so richly deserve.
I love you more than
life itself and
yet sometimes i
still forget
who you are
and what you did
for me -
the gift that
gave me eternity-
the complete anguish
and utter pain
that you suffered
so that i could live forever.
and still
as much as i love you
i have never shown you
how greatful i am
for the life
you laid down
and torment that
you endured.
despite all my failings
i could never let you go
i can't shake
the overwhelming sense
of your presence in my life
(even when i try too)
besides, if anyone has the
right to walk away
from this it's you.
because your
grace and forgivness
are something that
i will
never ever


in case you care to read.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you.
- not that I remember

2. Where was your first kiss?
- first kid kiss was at our end of year party in grade 3
- first highschool kiss at Saunders before computer class started

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
um…can’t say that I have (as far as I know or can remember)

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
I have – never mad though (just for fun)

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?-
their hands and their eyes and their personality (if they can make me laugh etc)

7. What really turns you on?
If someone notices my moods (how im feeling), A good sense of humour, nice hands(my definition of nice hands though – I can be particular about that), when someone really likes me for who I am and not how I look

8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Coffee (in morning there mostly), a caramel machiatto (I can’ spell it J), green te…

always misundestood

"i'm lying here
unable to express the
feelings of
and writing about you
and everything you
mean to me
has become as
impossible task
as catching a star in
my hand.
frivilous words could
not even begin
to tell the story of you
. . .
the story your eyes
seem to tell so
days and nights
become endless
. . .
now what would you say
if i could
prove i wasn't

dream or reality

from all the little moments
to all the smiles,
you had my complete attention.
as i am watching you
i am filled with great anticipation
waiting for your next move -
knowing it will captivate me
more than the last.
as we talk,
my heart beats faster
and my stomach is full of butterflies.
i feel as if i don't deserve to be here
in your presence.
as we are sitting at this table
i wonder what other people are thinking.
do they see the beauty that you hold?
do you captivate their souls as you have mine?
the feeling of invincibility comes
over me as we are
breathing in this fresh air of conversation.
i have to admit i am barely listening to your words,
but looking into your eyes.
they seems to hold a whole new world
for anyone who takes the time to look.
they reveal the hidden secrets of your soul,
and i am slowing finding your hopes and dreams
and praying that one day i will see myself
there as well.
tell me...
what do my eyes say?
lok at me and tell me what you see
can you not tell that every
peice of…

getting the ball rolling

i have recently had a conversation with a good friend of mine about many things, and one of the main things i got from the conversation is that the church (at least mine) is full of members that are 50 + and therefore there is no input going into the church from the younger crowds who are a vital part of the church body! Now i have always questioned the idea of membership - going through the should i or not question and asking myself why it would be a good idea and am i willing to sit through the classes and go through the process - and up till now it has only been a nice thought that has come and gone every so often and only that ... after this refreshing conversation i have come to realize that change in the church is not going to happen unless we as the younger body of the church (20's and 30's etc) become members and actually go to the church meetings - complaining about how we want change is all well and good - but it takes action for anything to happen ... and our voices…

the one

"I don't think that
i've ever told you
that the way your eyes dance
brings a smile to my face.
i guess it's just one of those things
that i have put on my
"to do" list.
those good ideas i get
that never actually
show their face.
funny how a person
can have so much to
say to another
and only
end up smiling,
yet screaming
with all they have in them.
hoping that maybe their
eyes or expressions may give
a little bit of what is going on
inside of their heads
(and hearts)
away to the person
that has captured their attention.
I have been here once
but never with you...
never with a person
that not only bring joy to my life,
but who makes me want to be
a better person and who
makes all the cares and concerns of
my life seem very insignificant.
and now that i am at this place
where words seem to fail me,
i can honestly say that i have
no where else to look.
so for now, i will wait
for the day that you notice
me for all that i am
and the day that i slowly
start becoming the one
that you can'…

bring on the rain

"Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away
somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing,
but I’m not dead

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight"

JoDee Messina

i think this song speaks into my life enough without me saying any more

very little for so very much

"i saw you tonight
sitting beside me,
crying with me, and holding me
near to you
all i could think of
how could you
love me that much
. . .
as much as to die
for me
. . .
for my stupid hell deserving
soul that is so often
ungreatful and undeserving
of even the very air that
i am breathing into my lungs.
I wish i could promise you
that i will always live for you,
i wish i could promise you perfection.
But, in all of my trying
I continue to let you down,
so all i can give you
besides a measly thank you
is my life
(that i so often take into my own hands)
and my heart
(that will often doubt and even get angry)
and my soul
(which seems to be such an simple and unworthy gift)
and my praise
(that will remain only towards you for the rest of eternity)
and until i am
with you forever
that is all i have
words can't describe
how i wish i could give
everything you deserve
(for this is just so little
for all you
nailed to that tree)"

i just may be crazy?

as i am here
in this extrodinary moment
as i am thinking of you...
as my hands are towards you,
can you feel me,
can you feel my thoughts,
can you feel my
head spinning
with all the crazy
ideas of me and you
just feel my energy
cause my heart
is screaming
inside and praying
that you'll feel even the slightest
thing from inside of me"

from the mouth of C. H. Spurgeon

"It is the incessant turmoil of the world, the constant attraction of earthly things, which takes our soul from Christ. We must be determined that whatever else we let slip through our fingers and from our minds, we will hold fast to Jesus." C. H. Spurgeon

This world is so full of hate and evil - everything that God despises. It isn't easy to be here living here amongst Satan himself (who does everything in his power to make sin look appealing and most of the time does a sucessful job). Considering we are human and failing is part of our very being, it isn't a difficult task for Satan to creep up on any of us at any moment and take our minds and hearts away from the flawless one. God so badly wants us to love him and to follow him with our whole hearts - but this is nearly impossible here on earth because of all the attractive, yet sinful things that each of us engage in everyday - with each of us having our weaknesses that Satan and his army prey on every minute of …

silent thoughts at 2:30 am

'i want so badly to touch
your face with my
trembling hands...
there are so many things
muddled up in my head
that are begging
to form words"


Prov. 31:30

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting - but a women who serves the Lord is to be praised" Prov 31:30

I love this verse cause it brings me back quickly to what God finds admirable and beautiful in women. As as i have made it one of the many things i try to live by, i find it really hard to live as a Godly women and not by how the world lives. let me put that a different way - it can be hard not to think that beauty and charm etc is not important because it is important here -- and yes we are supposed to "live in the world but not of the world" But, it's just not easy. in fact ... it is very easy to get caught up in the fact that no one notices you unless your the perfect female picture. professionally as well as socially - and im sure it goes both ways to some extent and i'm not saying that guys don't have their own social norms they are "supposed" to live up too.

im just saying that living in a world as a female and trying to live by those …

always a dream

"in my head i always see
my life going so differently
then in pans out.
and the more i see you
the more i wish i
was living my dreams
rather than this
hidden unkept path
i am headed down
(the one that renders me unnoticed)
i'm not sure what
more i can
do to make you
see me,
cause right now
(in this reality)
not only to you not see me
but your glances pass through
me like the light
passes through a window
(which is only good for letting light
thru to the other side)
while trying to find the
that you can't live without.
i guess all i can ask for is a
thought my way
and a hope that maybe
one day you will
see me (not thru me)
and smile -
and somehow in that moment
everything will make sense
and i'll hold my breath
hoping that the bubble won't burst
. . .
or maybe i'm just a
big dreamer"


always...never quite enough

"i'm never quite the girl
who's good enough
to be anymore than
the girl in the background.
somebody's good friend,
somebody's coach,
somebody's hero,
maybe a great person
i'm the one who's
a little to quiet
not quiet enough.
a little to radical,
too conservative.
the girl who dresses a little to
out of the box
which is cool,
but not an attractive
quality to any man she may love.
willing to steop out of
the mold long enough
for too many people
to noitce and
yet pretend they didn't.
i'm the girl who is never quite
what anyone is looking for.
never pretty enough,
never old enough,
never dress right,
maybea good idea in a time
when outsides don't matter
as much as what someone
is made of on the inside.
when inner beauty
was the most beautiful thing
of all...
in a time when beauty is seen
even if not pretty everyday.
but in this world,
i'm just your average looking,
early twenty something
who never says enough and
who always fades into
the background
and maybe thought of as…

Psalm 143

O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good…


"everything about this situation
is leading me towards the fact that
i should be running
as fast as i can
in the opposite
. . .
i guess thats what
experiences do
to someone like

i don't want to risk
my heart again cause the
last time it almost killed me
and now i guess
it jaded me to the
place where
i have trouble believing
that love is
an attainable thing for

cause the looming
thought of the rejection
(that will most likly
fall from this)
is too scary for
my heart to
cope with

so, as always
i am here at your feet Lord,
praying for guidance
from you once again
hoping that you
will pick me up and
and tell me that
everything will be ok.

I know that i should be
content right here
(with me and you)
and yet most of the time
i have this unrelenting
need in the back of my
head that wants to
know i am
someone that
someone else could love.
i know you have control
of this,
in my heart,
but i'm having a hard
time convincing my
doubting self conscious head
. . .
please remind it once again"


somewhat interesting?!?

Big Five Word Test Results Extroversion (21%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
Accommodation (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).
Orderliness (55%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun.
Emotional Stability (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Inquisitiveness (70%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by

attemping to follow my leader

"teach me to love like you
and follow you
with reckless abandon...
i have this urge to know
you better than
anything ...
to seek after you and understand you
(as best i can)
to live as you intended,
to love you as you would have,
to reach out to the needy..
use my life in what will best
serve your will.
my life is in your hands
for now and forever.
and even when i stray
(because i will enevitably fail)
i know that you will
come find me and show
me the way back home"


when i close my eyes

"waiting for you
all these years
has made me realize that
dreams are a gift to
keep a person sane
when they are all you have to hold
on too...
and although what is
in my mind may never
come true
when i close my eyes
you are mine for eternity...
when i close my eyes
you love me too...
and when my eyes open and light
seeps back in
i wait for the night
when my eyes close again"



i wonder what would happen
if i spoke all that was on
my mind
or if you would empty
out the contents of yours.
i'm afraid, cause i am
starting to fall -
my knees are buckling,
my heart is pounding out
of my chest,
along with shortness of breath...
and everything
around me
is blurry...
but you. . .

a good
my heart
can't stand


tongue tied

" i was just wonding if...

it crossed my mind a few times that...

do you think maybe we could...

i don't know how to tell you, but...

what would you say if...

you see, all i want to know is...


could you ever love me?"

ac - 2001

finally human

"as always,
after so long
and so many
excuses for you
your return is greatly
but for so many different reasons.

seeing you again will be like
meeting you for the
first time and seeing you
in a completely different light.

i want to know what you
look like
without my rose colored glasses on...
i want to see you
as the rest of the world
sees you,
(with flaws and imperfections)

to see you as. . . human"

ac - 2003


"can't turn back now,
you can't change my mind...
(you no longer have the power)
there is too much at stake this time,
and i won't let you ruin this...

I just can't look back
or look into your eyes,
there is magic in them that my
heart can't break

let me go, let me let go of you
i want to know who i am
without you

you had your chance
and my heart for way
too long...
and now i want it back

i know i will always
hold you in my heart,
but i am attempting to take
my life back
and it is no longer in your hands
i have flown away"

ac - early 2004

holding on

"i am sitting here you
missing you more than my
fragile heart can take.
i want to be bold, to tell you everything
i feel
(feelings that words could never fully explain).
i long to talk to you, to hear your voice,
but beyond all that, to let my eyes see you again
and my hands to touch you
so i know if it is real
or just a dream.

what must i do to convice you i am good enough
(what must i do to convince myself?)
good enough to be your girl, your love.
i wish i wasn't so afraid of the outcome

if only you could feel my love, hear how much
love is in my heart,
how it beats with so much love for you.
but for now i wait.
wait for a chance, for a bit of hope to shine though,
giving me something small to hold on to...
in hopes that one day it will be your heart."

ac - 2002

guiding me blindly to etenity

"my mind is so lost
living on a moment to moment
waiting for something else
to fall to peices in front of me
that it is nearly
impossible to make
sense of the millions of thoughts
scattered to every corner.
in a mess so catastrophic
that the puzzles of my life
never get solved
(and i will just remain peices to
an unfinshed masterpeice?).
you have put me in the
middle of something
with no end in sight.
so many things look the same
that it feels like
i'm walking around
in circles.
please bring me through
this so i don't end up
running in the wrong direction
of every place you are .
cause when it's all said and done,
your the only thing that keeps me
as you guide me blindly
towards eternity"

ac - 2005

failing beautifully once again

"as the details of my
world fall apart
you are the solid ground
on which i stand
time after time.
i'm sure that there
is an end to this madness
somewhere down the line
and a reason for
this mess that is covering me.
but, it would be a lot easier to
see it all from the view
up there.
It's not that I can't feel
you here, i just doubt the
fact that i acutally believe it.
cause despite my faith and love for you,
i've decided
to plug my ears to the words
you have tried to whisper in my ears.
i guess i just don't want to hear
everything that i already know
because sometimes it makes so little sense.
so many times i get tangled up
in my pain and confusion
that i can't
(or don't want to)
get nraveled from the bundle of knots.
Yet, in the midst of my consuming worry
i could definitely use your
reassuring words or feel your love
-that i try to hard to resist-
to encapsulate me.
but now
as i try to pull myself up off
this floor and see above the
thick fog i'm living in
i faintly get a glims…

a love so completely undeserved from a God continually let down

one thing i have come to realize now more than ever is that there are so many people out there and that most of them are suffering from a lack of love.. from everyone... including myself.
we all walk around here and get caught up in our own worlds of whatever we do on a regular basis... of what our week consists of ... and the air of hypocracy crawls around me like a black cloud.... Where did Jesus go too in all of this... where did his radical ideas and out of the box of conventionalism go to ... we seem to have lost sight of exactly what God has called us to do... he didn't say we all need to go out and tell the world they are going to hell... he said we need to go out and make disciples and to love our neighbour (ie. other people) as ourselves... to go out and have lunch with the sick and to be friends with the social outcasts and broken spirited... we are not here to help the heathy - they don't need the help... how do we get so caught up in ourselves... how did selfishness…

here with me

"through many periods of darkness
i am catching glimpses of your light
and warmth
washing over me here.
even though i can't see your face
or hear your voice in an audible sense
i can tell you are here
with me in this moment.
i see you in so many places and things
that i cannot believe i forget or overlook
your majesty.
i can be so stubburn and prideful
that ignore your plan for my life
and treat it so
but, in this stillness - in this beauty that you created
I am soaking you into my soul
and rejuvinating my life
while enjoying every bit of your creation.
And yet, it is distinctly possibly i
will once again discredit all you have done,
taking it all into my own incapable hands.
cause somehow,
no matter how much you love
me i will enevitably fail at this game
as i puppet fails to stand on it's own.
There is no concievable reason
for my life to deserve redemtion
looking thru these human eyes,
but i guess that's the
unconditional love in it all -
cause through the good and the
you remain.…

the unseen dreamer

"I don't know exactly
what's going on
how i ended up here
i remember you
i remember your smile
i remember those
incredible eyes
i remember your intoxicating
life that i would
lose myself in

but you never saw me
and i can't blame you
for that

so as i sit here
drinking my coffee and
mulling over
the many memories
i have in my head
i could feel so many
different ways

the only one that
seems fitting
is to keep
remembering you
i saw you then
and dream of
the better days
ahead "

ac - 2004

the endless battle

funny how it always comes back to this...
me and you.
no matter how long i stay away for
or how much i hear from you
my world revolves around us
(the us that never was)
how can i put so much energy
into leaving you behind
and only end up
digging my heels in further??
I am fighting a loosing battle
and i almost feel now
like i'm wasting my time

my soul is tired of waiting
for a dream it never even tasted
but it seems my heart is
set against surrendering
to the one thing it can never win"

ac - 2003


there is this Sarah Mclachlan song that i absolutly love.and anyone who knows me at all know i think Sarah Mclachlan is about the best singer/songwriter out there... it is written as a love song but every time i here it i think of everything that God does for me and the song reminds me of him more than anything...
anyway .. here it is..

Push - Sarah Mclachlan

"Everytime I look at you the world just melts away.
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections,
cause you see me at my weakest, but you take me as I am
and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

You stay the course, you hold the line
you keep it all together
Your the one true thing I know i can
believe in
YOu're all the things that I desire
you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I
can believe.

Well, I get mad so easy, but you give me room to breath
no matter what I say or do
cause your to good to fight about it
and even when I have to push
just to see how far you'll go
you won't s…

unknown one

"if i could spend the rest
of my life in your eyes...
i would be a lucky women.
they are so real and magical
with a sparkle of the unknown
which is left in the air
like the morning dew as the
first ray of sunlight splashes over the horizon.
it would be an honor
to share your dreams
and witness your life -
to walk beside you through
this short jouney.
just looking at your dancing
eyes and that incredible and
loving smile
i can't help but pray
that one day
i can be a part of
your life"

ac - 2005


these feelings of confusion
surround me here
could you lend me our eyes for
a moment?
this place i'm in
crazy and complex.
everytime i think
i have it figured out
you prove me wrong.
so i found living in confusion
is better than having
reality smashed into peices.
the more you show me
the more i realize how small
a part of this world
i am
and yet how big an impact
can start from a tiny spark
so, i'll just walk along
this broken trail
that seems to look vastly
different each day
and let you lead me
through this
trusting that no matter what changes
you will remain the same.
in my brokenness
you are here beside me
whether or not
i can feel your breath

do you mind if i close my eyes?
i'd feel safer just holding your hand

ac - 2005

hidden fears

"I'm so afraid
of loving again,
of opening my heart up -
so terrified of rejection
and the sting that
lasts for so long
after everything is said and done
and i'm left alone with only my thoughts

how do i put myself there again...
when there are so many times
when i just wasn't good enough -
not enough of what they wanted..
i don't want to change who i am
just to have love returned
but it always seems to be the only way...
i guess i just seem to get
lost in the shadows of everyone else.
and never quite enough.

my confidence is lacking words to make
me feel better and convince me
that i can be myself.
Lord i need you to love me
and be all i need
now and forever

i just don't want to end up
with another one of these
scars on my heart
tainted by unrequited love"


This experience is so far away
from anything I've ever called home.
our lives are worlds apart
yet it seems that we could touch...
How can beauty be masked by such pain?
what if we noticed the beauty
that wasn't pretty everyday?
the beauty thatlives in this culture
day in and out...
that we deem a waste of our time.
how do we see this part of society
and love it
pretending that we have
not been taught to
ignore it all...
how do we model Jesus
here in this place?

this is our culture and
the real problem here
is how we refuse
them the one thing
they so desperatly
want from us

ac - 2205


"have you read my eyes before?
hidden inside them is
everything i'm feeling,
yet too afraid to speak..
but, if you look close enough
you will find all
you need to know"

ac - 2005


i was recently watching some of the nooma videos - with Rob Bell. I find them all really making me ask serious questions about myself and learning new ideas about how i live. one of them was talking about the disciples and how they were not "the best of the best", but one of the many kids who weren't good enough to be a disciple of a rabbi (learn to be who the rabbi was). they were the kids who instead went and learned the family business. so when Jesus came around (a rabbi) and asked them to be his disciples, of course they were willing to drop everything to follow him ... (i can't really go into the depth of the movie but Jesus went out of his way to pick the ones who were not picked - to prove a point that we are all equal, and we all are worthy of following him and striving to be like him.)
i used to think it was kind of funny how these men just dropped everything because he asked them too... but when you look at it from the perspective of the culture, Jesus aski…


"if you saw
deep inside my soul.
saw me for
everything i am.
saw all the love
that could be
held in my
only for you...
would it phase you?

am i fooling myself?
if it foolish to
believe that
you could every love me?
hopeless to dream that
one day
my life
could mean more
to you than your own?

i am lost in my own
world of ignorance.
set apart from reality
seeing only you
wanting only you.

could you ever see
past my imperfections?
will you ever see me
for what i am
instead of what
i'm not?

i might be
everything you've
been looking for
and i can make you
there's nothing
i wouldn't do

and until you
give me the
to prove my words
i'll keep


words unspoken

"how do i say the words
that dare not come
out of my mouth

my mind thinks up
such crazy things
that so desperatly want
to be shared with you -
it all seems so jumbled
and turned upside down
when said out loud
(funny how it makes perfect sense in my head)

i feel so many things
and my emotions
are running so high
i don't think they'll ever
come down.
spinning thoughts at a pace
i can't keep up with"

ac - 2005

all for good

it's funny - all the places life brings us and the people we meet as we live our lives.
different people have profoundly different reasons for being in your life-
but all of them have help you become the person you are right now...
i just thought i would write out a random blog to let everyone who is now or was in my life
know that i wouldn't have changed a moment, because i wouldn't be here now - as the person i am
if God had not brought you into my life (and that means all the good and bad times that came along
with everything)

God has done more things for me and my life - and i know i have many disagreements with him (which i loose) but he always proves himself (which is not something he has to do) and even though i may not understand a lot of things - i do have faith that He has my best intersts at the heart of everything - and he has this incredible plan for who he wants me to be - which is sometimes hard to grasp - it boggles my mind as to why he cares so much for me, but i…

unfirmilar territory

"I couldn't stay stuck there forever...
i had to pick myself back up
and move on -
my heart didn't want to,
but since you didn't listen
to your's
i stopped listening to mine.
so, my head too it
kicking and screaming
in the opposite direction
of everything I ever hoped for
and painted a smile on my face

to be honest, it grew on me
i couldn't just stay,
waiting for you to give me
the chance i deserved...
so i slowly moved on

if you even care"

ac 2004


what i am to feel right now?
i'm alone, empty, seemingly cursed by the world
i've got so much to give
so why to i feel so utterly useless..
i've grown up and looked back
on my still short life...
wonder how my niavity got me here.
everything is closing in on me now
and the light is evaporating
so easily into the incompassing darkness

where am i in this mess,
more importantly...
where are you?
how do we live as we should
and love one another
with all the hate and evil among us?
how do we convince ourselves that we need
to act together, to love together...
please take me our of my selfishness
long enough to hear your voice.
i'm crying out on the inside,
but i'm not allowing myself to
say it out loud -
afraid where the outcome
will put me
and what i will have to face.

seep your strength and love into my soul...
give me that push off this building -
cause i can't jump on my own.
i'm scared to death of landing on my face.
give me the faith that
you are here to help me fly
or catch me w…


i am a simple minded human
and yet despite my idiosyncracies
and imperfections
you still love me - more than i could
ever reason through or deserve.
you are the reason i smile, the reason i dream,
the reason i live.
without you
no purpose exists and meaning disappears
and no matter how many times
i try to do this on my own
and fail -
and i have to learn the lesson again.
you always come running when
you hear me call your name.

as i'm wandering down this dark and gloomy
road - i have lost sight of you
please grab hold of my hand
before i get lost yet again
i know you're right here with me,
but it gets so easy to forget.
quietly remind me that there is more
than this. this pain... this hopelessness -
cause it continually overwhelms me...
i do know Lord that no matter how
many times i get lost or stray from your path
my heart will never leave your hand and your eyes are always
watching me.
i know you will always help me find my way
back to into your arms"

ac - 2005

"world on fire"

World on Fire - Sarah Mclachlan

"The worlds on fire its more then I can handle
Ill tap into the water try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table Bring what I am able

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
Youre not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And Ill try to hold it in Yeah Ill try to hold it in


I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change whats coming
Stay close to me while the skys falling
I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone


Hearts break hearts mend
love still hurts
Visions clash planes crash
still theres talk of
saving souls still colds closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some"

sometimes i feel like there is so little i can do - so helpless and so little in this big world that is on a ser…


"look at that star
isn't it incredible?
it's my favorite...

i've been reaching for it
and no matter how hard i try
and how high i jump
it never seems to be enough

still, i never stop trying -
i'm so desperate to see what
lies beyond it

what would it mean for
my insignificant life
to actually reach up
and grab hold of it?

it is always shining
brighter each day
mocking me as i jump
with all my might

and yet, i'll never
fully realize just how
niave it is to reach out
for it -
the one that will
always be just beyond
my grasp"

ac - 2005


i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we got to talking about a few things. Like how do we as christians impact this world. i find that it is important to wait for God to give us the right opportunities and not jump in too quickly. but first and foremost we have to realize that as a whole - we are powerful - we have GOd behind us every step of the way. we need to grasp onto him and onto each other, forgetting all of the crap and petty nonesense that we get so caught up and stop fighting with each other... the more we focus on the each others sins and each others problems, the more we stop focusing on loving each other and we really forget about loving all people. if we can't even get ourselves to work with each other and get the focus out of our own little "me" world... then we are never going let God do his will. He gave us a task and that is to go out and make disciples - but we seem to take it on individuals. yet we need to realize how powerful we can be…

I'm yours . . . yet again

"At the foot of the cross
I'm laying my life down
cause I can't carry these burdens,
they are too hard to bare.
I know you forgive me
all my past indescretions,
but for all of my trying,
I continue to fail.

What could a fool like me
have possibly done
to deserve this undying love
I'm so twisted and messed up,
frustrated and confused...
how can I be worth
all of you?

I'm so afraid of the life
that i've left behind me
and scared to death that
I'm just to far gone.
Please reach out and touch me,
come into this fallen soul
removing all these doubts
from my head

Pick me up, hold my hand
and remind me that I'm not alone.
Teach me your ways Lord
and how I should live
my remaining days on this earth."

bitter sweet

" so it looks as if i'm left here alone
with my thoughts once again
for being up all night tends to leave
a mind to wander
and with your return just short of reality
little else has been on my mind
the anticipation leaves my heart anxious
with wonder and excitement

just to see you again
(your smile, your eyes, your...)
memeories of the past come flooding back
and bring a sweet, but short lived
smile to my face
and a warmth to my heart

the pictures i have of you
have become old and faded -
i guess it's about time
for some new ones -

yet, all the new and exciting
pictures - well they last a while -
will eventually fade and distort with time
and i will again be reminded
of how very far apart we
really are"

ac - june 1/04

the wild blue

"There are few people
who ever truly experience
exactly what it is you hold
inside your eyes
but, it's as if i am seeing
the world for the first time,
and i could stay here forever
if you'd let me?"

ac - march 2003

buried alive

" underneath it all,
i'm finding it hard to breath...

i was climbing up the wrong side of this collapsing hole
when i tried to get you to notice me,
i should have looked to someone else

all my energy and time spent clawing
at a crumbling wall was in vain -
the only thing i proved to myself was
how heartless you are
and now niave i was to believe that
my screaming and thrashing arms
could have even turned your head.

you jut sat there and pretended
you didn't know i was crazy about you

well, don't bother yourself now,
i found a way to breath,
a way to pull myself up...
even you couldn't bury me alive"

ac - june 2004