Out of the Ashes

" so it looks as if i'm left here alone with my thoughts once again for being up all night tends to leave a mind to wander and with your return just short of reality little else has been on my mind (surprisingly) the anticipation leaves my heart anxious with wonder and excitement just to see you again (your smile, your eyes, your...) memeories of the past come flooding back and bring a sweet, but short lived smile to my face and a warmth to my heart the pictures i have of you have become old and faded - i guess it's about time for some new ones - yet, all the new and exciting pictures - well they last a while - will eventually fade and distort with time and i will again be reminded of how very far apart we really are" ac - june 1/04

"There are few people who ever truly experience exactly what it is you hold inside your eyes but, it's as if i am seeing the world for the first time, and i could stay here forever if you'd let me?" ac - march 2003

" underneath it all, i'm finding it hard to breath... i was climbing up the wrong side of this collapsing hole when i tried to get you to notice me, i should have looked to someone else all my energy and time spent clawing at a crumbling wall was in vain - the only thing i proved to myself was how heartless you are and now niave i was to believe that my screaming and thrashing arms could have even turned your head. you jut sat there and pretended you didn't know i was crazy about you well, don't bother yourself now, i found a way to breath, a way to pull myself up... even you couldn't bury me alive" ac - june 2004

"I wish i knew what i was waiting for. the past seven years have brought me here and for the first time i have no idea where here is (maybe i never really did) It must be a dream this has to be another world an alternate universe where everything is not what it would seem to be. feelings and emotions run deeper, memory is more vivid, and my heart is continually broken by you the pain is the only thing that reminds me this is real and most of the time it's the one thing i want to forget so i guess i'll just keep following this dark road for this may still go my way one day and maybe then i'll figure out where we are and what we're doing" ac - july 5/04

"spiraling out of control when will this neverending ride come to a stop? i cant see in front of me as it quickly disappears into hindsight and i have lost all sense of direction anyway i may look calm and cool but that is no reflection of the raging emotions my soul is fighting (it has seemed a loosing battle from the start) i wish i felt the way i come across so strong able to handle anything but the truth is ... I am alone and weak, broken and bruised from the twists and turns life's wild ride is conjuring up i have hit one to many walls and stumbled in the dark on so many roots that i have had to start crawling,  lacking the strength to make it any other way one day i will make it to the end of this but for now all i can do is wait on you cause i alone do not possess the courage and ability to come out of this alive... my body does not feel capable of much, but you are all i am lacking and you are my only hope on making through 'till morning stillbreathing" ac

"do i have the faith to keep going? do i have the strength to take up this cross? i can't pick myself up right now maybe i'll just lie here a while and pretend that everything is okey... (it might just disappear?!?) as i look up at the ceiling and watch the heavy snow of life pile up on top of me any light that once gave me peace slowly dims... and the stars that gave me hope are disappearing one by one all i can do is hold my breath and close my eyes cause... im scared to death as i watch my dreams crumble to peices underneath the weight of it all... i can fool everyone else why won't with mask work on me? i wish i could believe that you will pick up all the peices and put everything together... but these shattered reminants of my life appear too small too be recognizable anymore and you couldn't find me in here even if you wanted too... (please prove me wrong)" ac

" tell me im worth something please tell me i've done something right can you give me one reason to not just let go? something small to grasp instead of these weighted words (spoken and unspoken) that have been pulling me underwater i'm running out of air and loosing my will to fight for the seemingly meaningless life why do i bother trying to make you proud of me when nothing i can do is ever good enough" ac