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Showing posts from June, 2005

I'm yours . . . yet again

"At the foot of the cross
I'm laying my life down
cause I can't carry these burdens,
they are too hard to bare.
I know you forgive me
all my past indescretions,
but for all of my trying,
I continue to fail.

What could a fool like me
have possibly done
to deserve this undying love
I'm so twisted and messed up,
frustrated and confused...
how can I be worth
all of you?

I'm so afraid of the life
that i've left behind me
and scared to death that
I'm just to far gone.
Please reach out and touch me,
come into this fallen soul
removing all these doubts
from my head

Pick me up, hold my hand
and remind me that I'm not alone.
Teach me your ways Lord
and how I should live
my remaining days on this earth."

bitter sweet

" so it looks as if i'm left here alone
with my thoughts once again
for being up all night tends to leave
a mind to wander
and with your return just short of reality
little else has been on my mind
(surprisingly)
the anticipation leaves my heart anxious
with wonder and excitement

just to see you again
(your smile, your eyes, your...)
memeories of the past come flooding back
and bring a sweet, but short lived
smile to my face
and a warmth to my heart

the pictures i have of you
have become old and faded -
i guess it's about time
for some new ones -

yet, all the new and exciting
pictures - well they last a while -
will eventually fade and distort with time
and i will again be reminded
of how very far apart we
really are"

ac - june 1/04

the wild blue

"There are few people
who ever truly experience
exactly what it is you hold
inside your eyes
but, it's as if i am seeing
the world for the first time,
and i could stay here forever
if you'd let me?"

ac - march 2003

buried alive

" underneath it all,
i'm finding it hard to breath...

i was climbing up the wrong side of this collapsing hole
when i tried to get you to notice me,
i should have looked to someone else

all my energy and time spent clawing
at a crumbling wall was in vain -
the only thing i proved to myself was
how heartless you are
and now niave i was to believe that
my screaming and thrashing arms
could have even turned your head.

you jut sat there and pretended
you didn't know i was crazy about you

well, don't bother yourself now,
i found a way to breath,
a way to pull myself up...
even you couldn't bury me alive"

ac - june 2004

the yellow brick road

"I wish i knew what i was waiting for.
the past seven years have brought me here
and for the first time
i have no idea where here is
(maybe i never really did)

It must be a dream
this has to be another world

an alternate universe
where everything is not
what it would seem to be.
feelings and emotions
run deeper,
memory is more vivid,
and my heart is continually broken
by you

the pain is the only thing
that reminds me this is real
and most of the time
it's the one thing
i want to forget

so i guess
i'll just keep following
this dark road
for this may still go my way one day
and maybe then i'll figure out where we are
and what we're doing"

ac - july 5/04

Life isn't fair

" The race is not to the swift, or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant, or favor to the learned, but time and chance happen to them all." Ecclesiastes 9: 11

So often we say to ourselves that life isn't fair... well the honest truth is that it just isn't fair - nor is it meant to be.
For some reason humans have this insane notion that we all deserve certain things - that God somehow owes us something for all we do and how "good" we are... I don't know about you - but when i feel that way i rarely think about all that God has done for me already, i just get so caught up in my own selfish life and completely forget that God owes me nothing - absolutly nothing - im a flawed human that screws up so many times in a day that i couldn't keep track if i tried - but as soon as i feel i have done something good i feel i should be rewarded - but for what, for doing a few things right in the midst of my sin filled li…
"You never know God is all you need, till God is all you got"

i read this quote the other day - and the truth in it hit me hard. Yet, how often do we only remember that when we are going through a hard time... God is so easy to reach for when we are suffering and going thru dark hard times -

it's not that he is forgotten, just put on the shelf for later use.. or futher consultation. and i want to bad to change the cycle and for a while i do - but i know for me - i have to think about life as something that isn't certain, things might seem alright now, but what about the next minute or hour or day ... and so on - God knows what's going to happen then - and i don't - so as hard as it is to forget that God is there for me (even in the good times) I want to remember and praise him for any once of peace i recieve -

I am a worrier and I have found that even good days can be crowded with worry in the back of my mind wondering what bad crap is going to happen next in my…

stumbling thru darkness

"spiraling out of control
when will this neverending ride
come to a stop?

i cant see
in front of me
as it quickly disappears
into hindsight
and i have lost all
sense of
direction
anyway

i may look calm and cool
but that is no reflection
of the raging emotions
my soul is fighting

(it was a loosing battle from the start)

i wish i felt
the way i come across
so strong
able to handle anything
but the truth is ...
i along and weak
broken and bruised
from the twists and turns
life's wild ride
is conjuring up

i have hit one to many walls
and stumbled in the dark
on so many roots
that i have had to start crawling
lacking the strength to make it any other way

one day i will make it to the end
of this
but for now all i can do
is wait on you
cause i alone do not possess the
courage and ability
to come out of this alive...
my body might not be capable of much
but you are all i am lacking
and you are my only hope
on making through 'till morning
stillbreathing"

ac

lost

"do i have the faith to keep going?
do i have the strength
to take up this cross?

i can't pick myself up right now
maybe i'll just lie here a while
and pretend that everything is okey...
(it might just disappear?!?)

as i look up at the ceiling
and watch the heavy snow of life
pile up on top of me
any light that once gave me peace
slowly dims...
and the stars that gave me hope
are disappearing
one by one

all i can do is hold my breath
and close my eyes
cause...
im scared to death
as i watch
my dreams crumble to peices
underneath the weight of it all...
i can fool everyone else
why won't with mask
work on me?

i wish i could believe
that you will
pick up all the peices and
put everything together...
but these shattered
reminants of my life
appear too small too be
recognizable anymore
and you couldn't find me
in here even if you
wanted too...

(please prove me wrong)"

ac

Good Enough

" tell me im worth something
please tell me i've done something right

can you give me one reason to not just let go?
something small to grasp
instead of these weighted words
(spoken and unspoken)
that have been pulling me
underwater

i'm running out of air
and loosing my will to fight
for the seemingly meaningless life

why do i bother
trying to make you proud of me
when nothing i can do
is ever good enough"

ac

happiness?

i am totally interested in people and the way they interact with each other - people they do or don't know - we are a very complex species, one of a kind you would say :P and yet we can't seem to get along with each other ("christians" seem to have a special affinity towards this) we are on here on this earth, which we seem to be hell bent on destroying and we are not only destroying the only place in which we can habitate in this universe but we are all trying to make our stay on this planet as miserable as possible. people generally live for themselves...yet where does this get us... yeah we do pretty good jobs of pretending the happy thing... but in an age where the use of prozac (and other such drugs) are on a huge increase and we are constatly striving for the source of complete happiness - we are all failing miserably.
the search for happiness is something we will never find this side of heaven. this is not some stunt to try and depress you all even more but ha…

the hidden story

if you've ever read "a tale of two cities" and have any interest in self-less love - you could not have missed the story line of sydney carton. this man was a wreck with no where lower to go in life. He was a homeless drunk with no more ambition in life than to drink. he had made more life altering mistakes in his lifetime and felt his life was no longer any use to anyone. he believes that he is "a disappointed drudge, sir. I care for no man on earth, and no man on earth cares for me.” ... until he met lucy - lucy gave him what turned out to be his last glimer of hope to being a better man. although he was a wasted to nothing she gave him the sense that there might still be hope for him. he eventually got the better of him self but not before he found the courage to profess his undying love for him and at the same time mentioning that he could in no way ask for his love to be return for his life was not one worth trying to save. although she pleaded with him to try …

My Grandma

you know... i've been wondering how life would be when you are old and you start to loose your sight. A few days ago my grandma was telling me that a few days earlier, before I had arrived - she started crying uncontrolably, she said she wasn't exactly sure why but she was remembering what she was like in November before she got so blind and how different her life is now and she started to cry and couldn't stop. and this was from a women who isn't very comfortable showing emotion.
It just made me really realize how her life must feel right now and how when you start loosing your senses (such as your eyes ) life changes so much and you are no longer independant... it must be terrifying and really depressing all at the same time.
She used to take care of everyone and could do anything ... and now she has to depend on me (or someone else) to do simple everyday tasks - writing a check, or reading the paper (or anything else), or taking a bath, etc etc...
Anyway, that is my t…