Showing posts from June, 2005

I'm yours . . . yet again

"At the foot of the cross I'm laying my life down cause I can't carry these burdens, they are too hard to bare. I know you forgive me all my past indescretions, but for all of my trying, I continue to fail. What could a fool like me have possibly done to deserve this undying love I'm so twisted and messed up, frustrated and confused... how can I be worth all of you? I'm so afraid of the life that i've left behind me and scared to death that I'm just to far gone. Please reach out and touch me, come into this fallen soul removing all these doubts from my head Pick me up, hold my hand and remind me that I'm not alone. Teach me your ways Lord and how I should live my remaining days on this earth."

bitter sweet

" so it looks as if i'm left here alone with my thoughts once again for being up all night tends to leave a mind to wander and with your return just short of reality little else has been on my mind (surprisingly) the anticipation leaves my heart anxious with wonder and excitement just to see you again (your smile, your eyes, your...) memeories of the past come flooding back and bring a sweet, but short lived smile to my face and a warmth to my heart the pictures i have of you have become old and faded - i guess it's about time for some new ones - yet, all the new and exciting pictures - well they last a while - will eventually fade and distort with time and i will again be reminded of how very far apart we really are" ac - june 1/04

the wild blue

"There are few people who ever truly experience exactly what it is you hold inside your eyes but, it's as if i am seeing the world for the first time, and i could stay here forever if you'd let me?" ac - march 2003

buried alive

" underneath it all, i'm finding it hard to breath... i was climbing up the wrong side of this collapsing hole when i tried to get you to notice me, i should have looked to someone else all my energy and time spent clawing at a crumbling wall was in vain - the only thing i proved to myself was how heartless you are and now niave i was to believe that my screaming and thrashing arms could have even turned your head. you jut sat there and pretended you didn't know i was crazy about you well, don't bother yourself now, i found a way to breath, a way to pull myself up... even you couldn't bury me alive" ac - june 2004

the yellow brick road

"I wish i knew what i was waiting for. the past seven years have brought me here and for the first time i have no idea where here is (maybe i never really did) It must be a dream this has to be another world an alternate universe where everything is not what it would seem to be. feelings and emotions run deeper, memory is more vivid, and my heart is continually broken by you the pain is the only thing that reminds me this is real and most of the time it's the one thing i want to forget so i guess i'll just keep following this dark road for this may still go my way one day and maybe then i'll figure out where we are and what we're doing" ac - july 5/04

Life isn't fair

" The race is not to the swift, or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant, or favor to the learned, but time and chance happen to them all." Ecclesiastes 9: 11 So often we say to ourselves that life isn't fair... well the honest truth is that it just isn't fair - nor is it meant to be. For some reason humans have this insane notion that we all deserve certain things - that God somehow owes us something for all we do and how "good" we are... I don't know about you - but when i feel that way i rarely think about all that God has done for me already, i just get so caught up in my own selfish life and completely forget that God owes me nothing - absolutly nothing - im a flawed human that screws up so many times in a day that i couldn't keep track if i tried - but as soon as i feel i have done something good i feel i should be rewarded - but for what, for doing a few things right in the midst of my sin filled l
"You never know God is all you need, till God is all you got" i read this quote the other day - and the truth in it hit me hard. Yet, how often do we only remember that when we are going through a hard time... God is so easy to reach for when we are suffering and going thru dark hard times - it's not that he is forgotten, just put on the shelf for later use.. or futher consultation. and i want to bad to change the cycle and for a while i do - but i know for me - i have to think about life as something that isn't certain, things might seem alright now, but what about the next minute or hour or day ... and so on - God knows what's going to happen then - and i don't - so as hard as it is to forget that God is there for me (even in the good times) I want to remember and praise him for any once of peace i recieve - I am a worrier and I have found that even good days can be crowded with worry in the back of my mind wondering what bad crap is going to happen next in

stumbling thru darkness

"spiraling out of control when will this neverending ride come to a stop? i cant see in front of me as it quickly disappears into hindsight and i have lost all sense of direction anyway i may look calm and cool but that is no reflection of the raging emotions my soul is fighting (it was a loosing battle from the start) i wish i felt the way i come across so strong able to handle anything but the truth is ... i along and weak broken and bruised from the twists and turns life's wild ride is conjuring up i have hit one to many walls and stumbled in the dark on so many roots that i have had to start crawling lacking the strength to make it any other way one day i will make it to the end of this but for now all i can do is wait on you cause i alone do not possess the courage and ability to come out of this alive... my body might not be capable of much but you are all i am lacking and you are my only hope on making through 'till morning stillbreathing" ac


"do i have the faith to keep going? do i have the strength to take up this cross? i can't pick myself up right now maybe i'll just lie here a while and pretend that everything is okey... (it might just disappear?!?) as i look up at the ceiling and watch the heavy snow of life pile up on top of me any light that once gave me peace slowly dims... and the stars that gave me hope are disappearing one by one all i can do is hold my breath and close my eyes cause... im scared to death as i watch my dreams crumble to peices underneath the weight of it all... i can fool everyone else why won't with mask work on me? i wish i could believe that you will pick up all the peices and put everything together... but these shattered reminants of my life appear too small too be recognizable anymore and you couldn't find me in here even if you wanted too... (please prove me wrong)" ac

Good Enough

" tell me im worth something please tell me i've done something right can you give me one reason to not just let go? something small to grasp instead of these weighted words (spoken and unspoken) that have been pulling me underwater i'm running out of air and loosing my will to fight for the seemingly meaningless life why do i bother trying to make you proud of me when nothing i can do is ever good enough" ac


i am totally interested in people and the way they interact with each other - people they do or don't know - we are a very complex species, one of a kind you would say :P and yet we can't seem to get along with each other ("christians" seem to have a special affinity towards this) we are on here on this earth, which we seem to be hell bent on destroying and we are not only destroying the only place in which we can habitate in this universe but we are all trying to make our stay on this planet as miserable as possible. people generally live for themselves...yet where does this get us... yeah we do pretty good jobs of pretending the happy thing... but in an age where the use of prozac (and other such drugs) are on a huge increase and we are constatly striving for the source of complete happiness - we are all failing miserably. the search for happiness is something we will never find this side of heaven. this is not some stunt to try and depress you all even more but hap

the hidden story

if you've ever read "a tale of two cities" and have any interest in self-less love - you could not have missed the story line of sydney carton. this man was a wreck with no where lower to go in life. He was a homeless drunk with no more ambition in life than to drink. he had made more life altering mistakes in his lifetime and felt his life was no longer any use to anyone. he believes that he is "a disappointed drudge, sir. I care for no man on earth, and no man on earth cares for me.” ... until he met lucy - lucy gave him what turned out to be his last glimer of hope to being a better man. although he was a wasted to nothing she gave him the sense that there might still be hope for him. he eventually got the better of him self but not before he found the courage to profess his undying love for him and at the same time mentioning that he could in no way ask for his love to be return for his life was not one worth trying to save. although she pleaded with him to try a

My Grandma

you know... i've been wondering how life would be when you are old and you start to loose your sight. A few days ago my grandma was telling me that a few days earlier, before I had arrived - she started crying uncontrolably, she said she wasn't exactly sure why but she was remembering what she was like in November before she got so blind and how different her life is now and she started to cry and couldn't stop. and this was from a women who isn't very comfortable showing emotion. It just made me really realize how her life must feel right now and how when you start loosing your senses (such as your eyes ) life changes so much and you are no longer independant... it must be terrifying and really depressing all at the same time. She used to take care of everyone and could do anything ... and now she has to depend on me (or someone else) to do simple everyday tasks - writing a check, or reading the paper (or anything else), or taking a bath, etc etc... Anyway, that is my