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Showing posts from 2006

crazy . . .

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i think we all feel a little like this sometimes... i mean who hasn't wanted, at some point or another, to just let it all out and scream ... with everything in them ... until they had nothing left... and they were utterly exhausted.... when the tension is to strong and it needs a release...

I guess when it comes down to it - we are all human and we need a pressure release... especially when everything is coming at all sides and crumbling in on top of you ... and it feels and seems like there is no way out of everything collapsing on our heads... i guess the question is ... or the statement.. however you look at it ... how do you let it all out??

stumbling through darkness

brought up from the early blogging days - but thought that the renaming of the blog needed some extra explaination....

anyway here it is ...

"spiraling out of control
when will this neverending ride
come to a stop?

i cant see
in front of me
as it quickly disappears
into hindsight
and i have lost all
sense of
direction
anyway

i may look calm and cool
but that is no reflection
of the raging emotions
my soul is fighting

(it was a loosing battle from the start)

i wish i felt
the way i come across
so strong
able to handle anything
but the truth is ...
i am weak,
broken and bruised
from the twists and turns
life's wild ride
is conjuring up

i have hit one to many walls
and stumbled in the dark
on so many roots
that i have had to start crawling
lacking the strength to make it any other way

one day i will make it to the end
of this
but for now all i can do
is wait, keep the faith,
push on through this journey
cause right now I do not possess the
courage and ability
t…

a fork in the road

"What would you say
if i told you that
there was very little to be
afraid of ..
that by supressing
your want of love
you are holding back
on something that
may be
worth more then
you have
begun to realize.
Would you then
open up
your eyes and
maybe your heart
to the possibility of
more ...
(with me... )
i can't help but want
you to
understand,
to open your eyes
to all of
the possibilities.
to let yourself go
and let your
heart and soul
open up to me.
at this fork in the
road oF your life,
which path are
you going to follow?
Will you trust me?
. . .
will you trust me
with your heart?"

ac

an reflection of my Savior

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I love this picture for many reasons... but I think what strikes me the most about it.. is how the reflection is a perfect image of the real thing --

the path ahead

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We never know exactly where God is leading us ... but he gives us previews... and no matter where it is we are going - we can always have the confidence and assurance that he knows are hearts and is leading us to a place of further intamacy and greater joy in him then we have ever known... although it may be rough at times... and it can look unpleasing to our human senses... in the end - you will fall on your knees in awe at all he has done - even though the pain - even when it's scary.

Nothing like a sunny day on the dock at a cottage!

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passing through

"I'm but a tourist
passing through
here
-
knowing there
is so much more
than what
'here'
can give...

through the perils and
struggles
amisdt
small glimpses
of peace,
I must
convince myself
again
there is so much
more to come.
all the lights and colors
seem dizzying
and can
so easily suck
you into it's
grasp.
and as
I'm sitting here
I can't help
but think -
'I can't wait to
go home' "

ac

mirrored reflections

"tell me again
that I am
more than
what I
see . . .
this face in
the mirror -
all I hate
about myself -
seems to
reflect itself
back at me
like a
slap in the face
and all that
I want to believe
about myself
evapourates
to quickly to
notice -
leaving me
with this
reflection
that's so far
from all I
wish I saw

so I'm here
in this all
to firmilar place

begging for
grace
again"

ac

silent wishes

"I wish you
could
feel
my heart,
feel it
b e a t i n g
and know
the
pain
it's feeling.
can't you
hear it
screaming
out
for something
. . .
anything.
know me -
hear my
silent
cries -
it's so lonely
here.

am I that
misunder-
stood?
or am I
just not
seen

ac

humbled

"i fall face down
before you
and a stand in
awe at the works
of your hands.
You are stirring things
up and moving
in such obvious
and powerful
ways
and my life
although chaotic
and painful
is full of the
sense of your
presence.
I continue to
stand in amazment
to your peace
and joy
that has filled my
life through your
spirit and
i pray that
as things continue
on this rollercoaster
ride that i would not
get caught up
in all that is flashing
by me
(at paces
quicker than
i my eyes can keep up
with)
and focus on
you always
and my i always
remain humbled
by your
power and majesty!"

ac

fog

i'm so alone
and beated down
and
am being consumed
by this black cloud
that has
engolfed me
-
I can't even
see myself
. . .
forget
anything else
in here
. . .
it's so easy to believe
the in
things that
are circling my head
because you
have left me
alone
and there
is nothing else
but the hope I
once had
to
allow me to believe
. . .
if you're there
I need to hear you
. . .
If you're with me
grab me
touch me -
remind my heart
again what my
head has
forgotten so easily
. . .
I need you to come
to my rescue and
remind me once
again
of everything
I used to be
so sure of
. . .
please
awake me from
this nightmare"

lack of posting

this is just a quick apology for my lack of posts lately!
my life has been all consuming of my attention and energy and God has been
my main focus through everything - when i get back from sanctuary I will
put some more stuff down!
until then!

comsuming darkness

"groping in the
darkness,
thrashing my
arms at anything
in hopes to touch something real
. . .
something firmilar
. . .
as my very breath is
being held from my lungs and
my heart races at
this unhealthy pace
I am lost in this darkness
. . .
where are you
as I am being taken
into this this other world.
This voice booms in my head
and i can do nothing
to wake up
from this. . .
Fear has gripped onto me,
becomes so much of
all I feel
and refuses to let go
Everything I feel
is nothing of you . . .
where are you
as i wake to find
this nightmare is
now
my reality ?"

Count on Me

I was in the car the other day and this song came on and as i listened to the lyrics i heard something .. God whispering to me - telling me ... through this song all that i needed to hear in that moment.. that he is everything i need and he is here for me and will always be and will carry me though the tough times and just be there with me ... and it is something i should never forget! so i thought i would share it...

"Count On Me" - Default

"I know that life ain't always good to you.
I've seen exactly what it’s put you through
Thrown you around and turned you upside down
and so you
You got to thinking there was no way out
You started sinking and it pulled you down

It may be tough you've to get back up
Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you Carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me
To hold you till the healing is done
And every tim…

quiet reminders

I truly know
right now
...
in this moment
that you are here.
I know right now
that there is more
to this
life then
it alone
can give me
and i fell
the greater
story being
played out
through my heart
. . .
but when the
darkness comes
and hoping
not knowing
becomes reality
-
when blind faith
is all there is to
grasp with
my fingertips
. . .
when I am
searching for life
again
and start to panic
i beg you to
whisper into the
darkness
once more
quietly reminding my
heart

"I exist and I am here"

(because that simple fact
can be so easy to forget)

Where's the Passion

alright...
I have been thinking about my life recently... and come to the impression that ... "man this life is boring and predictable and useless.. and starting to lose meaning...and nothing make sense... and i'm not happy or joyful.. or anything .. in fact i can be pretty apathetic at times and when i look around me i see a lot of the same things.. in a lot of people i know... although some do hide it better than othes.."
so i guess the questions are...
where along the way have we traded in love for hate,
sedentary or active, passionate for bored . . .
when have we decided that living a life style after
Jesus Christ was boring and laid back...
and how did we ever get here... into this predictable everyday existence that drains every bit of life and enjoyment out of everything we do...
we get up ... do our thing... go to work or school or whatever it is we do... we come home we eat we do homework, take care of the kids or watch t.v. or go on the internet or listen to the new.. …

to the other side

"if my life made sense
to me right now..
i wonder how
much i would lean
on you.
the fact that
i know you're
ahead of this
troubled time
has brought me
closer to you
in ways that
wouldn't have
occured
through any
other circumstances
then these...
in order to come
out of this alive
i need you
to come to
my rescue
and be the one
i count on
when everyone
else around me
has disappeared
and i have all but given up.
it is the time when
all i have to hold
onto is hope
to get me to
the other side
of this
without drowning
...
this is when i have
needed you
the most
and you have
shown me yourself
...
your heart
...
And i
will try not to
forget this time
with you.
I will remember it
as nothing less
then when i
truly
fell in love
with my
Saviour
for the first time."
ac

greater is he who is in me then he who is in the world

Authenticity is a difficult idea ...
when i look at how many people know me
and understand me as
me...
i can't put too many names
down that fit into that catagory. I've been trying to think through why that is. ... i mean i'm sure that it's different for every person - we've all been through our issues and our problems that have brought us to this specific time in our lives and all the minutes and hours that turn into years.. have brought us here.. with all the genetic and social aspects of what that means.
SO... when is it that i chose to be authentic with someone (or at least start to be ... different people see different authenticity level of you at a time - i mean by saying that you can be kind of authentic with one person and be more authentic as to who you really are towards another .. and you slowly build up from there.. ) okey - once you start deciding or choosing to be authentic and open up to another person .. i think you start off slowly.. showing parts of you…

thoughts on my heart

we are on an adventure – we have been put here and half the time we have no idea exactly what kind of story we are in and we rarely question the bigger picture – we get so caught up in our worlds and the soap opera’s around us that we forget that there is a bigger story and a bigger reason that we are here. But, our heart, the place where Jesus resides, knows exactly why we are here and God speaks to us through it – pulling us towards his greater purpose. You can drown out his voice by keeping busy and always making sure that you are always going- like the energizer bunny with a purpose and a plan – but have you ever stopped to wonder if your plan has anything to do with the plan you have designed in your head – have you recently stopped to listen – and I mean really listen to what God is saying to your heart… have you heard him whispering to you late at night – asking you if you want something more – if you are thirsty for what this world can never supply? This voice is not asking yo…

calling out to my heart

"confusion is rushing
over me
like a thick black blanket
or like the clouds cover
the stars.
Lost in this state,
as it envelops all
sources of light
that were leading
me anywhere.
All I have left
to go by is the
sound of your
voice as it speaks to
my heart.
As it leads me
towards anywhere
but here.
At times
it's hard to even
tell the difference
between you
and the evil one
that comes to prey
on my fear.
but, if you keep
calling me
I will always answer
and keep following you .
I promise to
never give up on you.
Please reassure me
the same."

ac