Out of the Ashes

i think we all feel a little like this sometimes... i mean who hasn't wanted, at some point or another, to just let it all out and scream ... with everything in them ... until they had nothing left... and they were utterly exhausted.... when the tension is to strong and it needs a release... I guess when it comes down to it - we are all human and we need a pressure release... especially when everything is coming at all sides and crumbling in on top of you ... and it feels and seems like there is no way out of everything collapsing on our heads... i guess the question is ... or the statement.. however you look at it ... how do you let it all out??

brought up from the early blogging days - but thought that the renaming of the blog needed some extra explaination.... anyway here it is ... "spiraling out of control when will this neverending ride come to a stop? i cant see in front of me as it quickly disappears into hindsight and i have lost all sense of direction anyway i may look calm and cool but that is no reflection of the raging emotions my soul is fighting (it was a loosing battle from the start) i wish i felt the way i come across so strong able to handle anything but the truth is ... i am weak, broken and bruised from the twists and turns life's wild ride is conjuring up i have hit one to many walls and stumbled in the dark on so many roots that i have had to start crawling lacking the strength to make it any other way one day i will make it to the end of this but for now all i can do is wait, keep the faith, push on through this journey cause right now I do not posses

"What would you say if i told you that there was very little to be afraid of .. that by supressing your want of love you are holding back on something that may be worth more then you have begun to realize. Would you then open up your eyes and maybe your heart to the possibility of more ... (with me... ) i can't help but want you to understand, to open your eyes to all of the possibilities. to let yourself go and let your heart and soul open up to me. at this fork in the road oF your life, which path are you going to follow? Will you trust me? . . . will you trust me with your heart?" ac

I love this picture for many reasons... but I think what strikes me the most about it.. is how the reflection is a perfect image of the real thing --

We never know exactly where God is leading us ... but he gives us previews... and no matter where it is we are going - we can always have the confidence and assurance that he knows are hearts and is leading us to a place of further intamacy and greater joy in him then we have ever known... although it may be rough at times... and it can look unpleasing to our human senses... in the end - you will fall on your knees in awe at all he has done - even though the pain - even when it's scary.

"I'm but a tourist passing through here - knowing there is so much more than what 'here' can give... through the perils and struggles amisdt small glimpses of peace, I must convince myself again there is so much more to come. all the lights and colors seem dizzying and can so easily suck you into it's grasp. and as I'm sitting here I can't help but think - 'I can't wait to go home' " ac

"tell me again that I am more than what I see . . . this face in the mirror - all I hate about myself - seems to reflect itself back at me like a slap in the face and all that I want to believe about myself evapourates to quickly to notice - leaving me with this reflection that's so far from all I wish I saw so I'm here in this all to firmilar place begging for grace again" ac

"I wish you could feel my heart, feel it b e a t i n g and know the pain it's feeling. can't you hear it screaming out for something . . . anything. know me - hear my silent cries - it's so lonely here. am I that misunder- stood? or am I just not seen ac

"i fall face down before you and a stand in awe at the works of your hands. You are stirring things up and moving in such obvious and powerful ways and my life although chaotic and painful is full of the sense of your presence. I continue to stand in amazment to your peace and joy that has filled my life through your spirit and i pray that as things continue on this rollercoaster ride that i would not get caught up in all that is flashing by me (at paces quicker than i my eyes can keep up with) and focus on you always and my i always remain humbled by your power and majesty!" ac

i'm so alone and beated down and am being consumed by this black cloud that has engolfed me - I can't even see myself . . . forget anything else in here . . . it's so easy to believe the in things that are circling my head because you have left me alone and there is nothing else but the hope I once had to allow me to believe . . . if you're there I need to hear you . . . If you're with me grab me touch me - remind my heart again what my head has forgotten so easily . . . I need you to come to my rescue and remind me once again of everything I used to be so sure of . . . please awake me from this nightmare"

this is just a quick apology for my lack of posts lately! my life has been all consuming of my attention and energy and God has been my main focus through everything - when i get back from sanctuary I will put some more stuff down! until then!

"groping in the darkness, thrashing my arms at anything in hopes to touch something real . . . something firmilar . . . as my very breath is being held from my lungs and my heart races at this unhealthy pace I am lost in this darkness . . . where are you as I am being taken into this this other world. This voice booms in my head and i can do nothing to wake up from this. . . Fear has gripped onto me, becomes so much of all I feel and refuses to let go Everything I feel is nothing of you . . . where are you as i wake to find this nightmare is now my reality ?"

I was in the car the other day and this song came on and as i listened to the lyrics i heard something .. God whispering to me - telling me ... through this song all that i needed to hear in that moment.. that he is everything i need and he is here for me and will always be and will carry me though the tough times and just be there with me ... and it is something i should never forget! so i thought i would share it... "Count On Me" - Default "I know that life ain't always good to you. I've seen exactly what it’s put you through Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you You got to thinking there was no way out You started sinking and it pulled you down It may be tough you've to get back up Because you know that life ain't over yet I'm here for you so don't forget You can count on me Cause’ I will carry you till you Carry on Anytime you need someone Somebody strong to lean on Well you can count on me To hold you till the healing is do

I truly know right now ... in this moment that you are here. I know right now that there is more to this life then it alone can give me and i fell the greater story being played out through my heart . . . but when the darkness comes and hoping not knowing becomes reality - when blind faith is all there is to grasp with my fingertips . . . when I am searching for life again and start to panic i beg you to whisper into the darkness once more quietly reminding my heart "I exist and I am here" (because that simple fact can be so easy to forget)

alright... I have been thinking about my life recently... and come to the impression that ... "man this life is boring and predictable and useless.. and starting to lose meaning...and nothing make sense... and i'm not happy or joyful.. or anything .. in fact i can be pretty apathetic at times and when i look around me i see a lot of the same things.. in a lot of people i know... although some do hide it better than othes.." so i guess the questions are... where along the way have we traded in love for hate, sedentary or active, passionate for bored . . . when have we decided that living a life style after Jesus Christ was boring and laid back... and how did we ever get here... into this predictable everyday existence that drains every bit of life and enjoyment out of everything we do... we get up ... do our thing... go to work or school or whatever it is we do... we come home we eat we do homework, take care of the kids or watch t.v. or go on the internet or listen to the

"if my life made sense to me right now.. i wonder how much i would lean on you. the fact that i know you're ahead of this troubled time has brought me closer to you in ways that wouldn't have occured through any other circumstances then these... in order to come out of this alive i need you to come to my rescue and be the one i count on when everyone else around me has disappeared and i have all but given up. it is the time when all i have to hold onto is hope to get me to the other side of this without drowning ... this is when i have needed you the most and you have shown me yourself ... your heart ... And i will try not to forget this time with you. I will remember it as nothing less then when i truly fell in love with my Saviour for the first time." ac

Authenticity is a difficult idea ... when i look at how many people know me and understand me as me... i can't put too many names down that fit into that catagory. I've been trying to think through why that is. ... i mean i'm sure that it's different for every person - we've all been through our issues and our problems that have brought us to this specific time in our lives and all the minutes and hours that turn into years.. have brought us here.. with all the genetic and social aspects of what that means. SO... when is it that i chose to be authentic with someone (or at least start to be ... different people see different authenticity level of you at a time - i mean by saying that you can be kind of authentic with one person and be more authentic as to who you really are towards another .. and you slowly build up from there.. ) okey - once you start deciding or choosing to be authentic and open up to another person .. i think you start off slowly.. showing parts o

we are on an adventure – we have been put here and half the time we have no idea exactly what kind of story we are in and we rarely question the bigger picture – we get so caught up in our worlds and the soap opera’s around us that we forget that there is a bigger story and a bigger reason that we are here. But, our heart, the place where Jesus resides, knows exactly why we are here and God speaks to us through it – pulling us towards his greater purpose. You can drown out his voice by keeping busy and always making sure that you are always going- like the energizer bunny with a purpose and a plan – but have you ever stopped to wonder if your plan has anything to do with the plan you have designed in your head – have you recently stopped to listen – and I mean really listen to what God is saying to your heart… have you heard him whispering to you late at night – asking you if you want something more – if you are thirsty for what this world can never supply? This voice is not asking you

"confusion is rushing over me like a thick black blanket or like the clouds cover the stars. Lost in this state, as it envelops all sources of light that were leading me anywhere. All I have left to go by is the sound of your voice as it speaks to my heart. As it leads me towards anywhere but here. At times it's hard to even tell the difference between you and the evil one that comes to prey on my fear. but, if you keep calling me I will always answer and keep following you . I promise to never give up on you. Please reassure me the same." ac