Out of the Ashes

"I don't think that i've ever told you that the way your eyes dance brings a smile to my face. i guess it's just one of those things that i have put on my "to do" list. those good ideas i get that never actually show their face. funny how a person can have so much to say to another and only end up smiling, yet screaming inside with all they have in them. hoping that maybe their eyes or expressions may give a little bit of what is going on inside of their heads (and hearts) away to the person that has captured their attention. I have been here once before, but never with you... never with a person that not only bring joy to my life, but who makes me want to be a better person and who makes all the cares and concerns of my life seem very insignificant. and now that i am at this place where words seem to fail me, i can honestly say that i have no where else to look. so for now, i will wait for the day that you notice me for all that i am and the day that i slowl

as i am here in this extrodinary moment as i am thinking of you... as my hands are towards you, can you feel me, can you feel my thoughts, can you feel my head spinning with all the crazy ideas of me and you or just feel my energy cause my heart is screaming inside and praying that you'll feel even the slightest thing from inside of me"

'i want so badly to touch your face with my trembling hands... and there are so many things muddled up in my head that are begging me to form words" ac

"in my head i always see my life going so differently then in pans out. and the more i see you the more i wish i was living my dreams rather than this hidden unkept path i am headed down (the one that renders me unnoticed) i'm not sure what more i can do to make you see me, cause right now (in this reality) not only to you not see me but your glances pass through me like the light passes through a window (which is only good for letting light thru to the other side) while trying to find the one that you can't live without. i guess all i can ask for is a thought my way and a hope that maybe one day you will see me (not thru me) and smile - and somehow in that moment everything will make sense and i'll hold my breath hoping that the bubble won't burst . . . or maybe i'm just a big dreamer" ac

"i'm never quite the girl who's good enough to be anymore than the girl in the background. somebody's good friend, somebody's coach, somebody's hero, or maybe a great person but, i'm the one who's a little to quiet or not quiet enough. a little to radical, or too conservative. the girl who dresses a little to out of the box which is cool, but not an attractive quality to any man she may love. willing to steop out of the mold long enough for too many people to noitce and yet pretend they didn't. i'm the girl who is never quite what anyone is looking for. never pretty enough, never old enough, never dress right, maybea good idea in a time when outsides don't matter as much as what someone is made of on the inside. when inner beauty was the most beautiful thing of all... in a time when beauty is seen even if not pretty everyday. but in this world, i'm just your average looking, early twenty something who never says enough and who always fad

"everything about this situation is leading me towards the fact that i should be running as fast as i can in the opposite direction . . . i guess thats what passed experiences do to someone like me i don't want to risk my heart again cause the last time it almost killed me and now i guess it jaded me to the place where i have trouble believing that love is an attainable thing for me cause the looming thought of the rejection (that will most likly fall from this) is too scary for my heart to cope with so, as always i am here at your feet Lord, praying for guidance from you once again hoping that you will pick me up and and tell me that everything will be ok. I know that i should be content right here (with me and you) and yet most of the time i have this unrelenting need in the back of my head that wants to know i am someone that someone else could love. i know you have control of this, in my heart, but i'm having a hard time convincing my doubting self conscious head . . .

"waiting for you all these years has made me realize that dreams are a gift to keep a person sane when they are all you have to hold on too... and although what is in my mind may never come true when i close my eyes you are mine for eternity... when i close my eyes you love me too... and when my eyes open and light seeps back in i wait for the night when my eyes close again" ac

i wonder what would happen if i spoke all that was on my mind or if you would empty out the contents of yours. i'm afraid, cause i am starting to fall - my knees are buckling, my heart is pounding out of my chest, along with shortness of breath... and everything around me is blurry... but you. . . thats never a good sign cause my heart can't stand another break" ac

" i was just wonding if... it crossed my mind a few times that... do you think maybe we could... i don't know how to tell you, but... what would you say if... you see, all i want to know is... [silence] could you ever love me?" ac - 2001

"as always, after so long and so many excuses for you leaving, your return is greatly anticipated but for so many different reasons. seeing you again will be like meeting you for the first time and seeing you in a completely different light. i want to know what you look like without my rose colored glasses on... i want to see you as the rest of the world sees you, (with flaws and imperfections) to see you as. . . human" ac - 2003

"can't turn back now, you can't change my mind... (you no longer have the power) there is too much at stake this time, and i won't let you ruin this... I just can't look back or look into your eyes, there is magic in them that my heart can't break let me go, let me let go of you i want to know who i am without you you had your chance and my heart for way too long... and now i want it back i know i will always hold you in my heart, but i am attempting to take my life back and it is no longer in your hands i have flown away" ac - early 2004

"i am sitting here you missing you more than my fragile heart can take. i want to be bold, to tell you everything i feel (feelings that words could never fully explain). i long to talk to you, to hear your voice, but beyond all that, to let my eyes see you again and my hands to touch you so i know if it is real or just a dream. what must i do to convice you i am good enough (what must i do to convince myself?) good enough to be your girl, your love. i wish i wasn't so afraid of the outcome if only you could feel my love, hear how much love is in my heart, how it beats with so much love for you. but for now i wait. wait for a chance, for a bit of hope to shine though, giving me something small to hold on to... in hopes that one day it will be your heart." ac - 2002