Out of the Ashes

"I don't think that i've ever told you that the way your eyes dance brings a smile to my face. i guess it's just one of those things that i have put on my "to do" list. those good ideas i get that never actually show their face. funny how a person can have so much to say to another and only end up smiling, yet screaming inside with all they have in them. hoping that maybe their eyes or expressions may give a little bit of what is going on inside of their heads (and hearts) away to the person that has captured their attention. I have been here once before, but never with you... never with a person that not only bring joy to my life, but who makes me want to be a better person and who makes all the cares and concerns of my life seem very insignificant. and now that i am at this place where words seem to fail me, i can honestly say that i have no where else to look. so for now, i will wait for the day that you notice me for all that i am and the day that i slowl

"Another day has almost come and gone Can’t imagine what else could wrong Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door A single battle lost but not the war (‘cause) Tomorrow’s another day And I’m thirsty anyway So bring on the rain It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round A couple drops and they all start coming down Yeah, I might feel defeated, I might hang my head I might be barely breathing, but I’m not dead Tomorrow’s another day And I’m thirsty anyway So bring on the rain I’m not gonna let it get me down I’m not gonna cry And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight" JoDee Messina i think this song speaks into my life enough without me saying any more

"i saw you tonight sitting beside me, crying with me, and holding me near to you and all i could think of is how could you love me that much . . . as much as to die for me . . . for my stupid hell deserving soul that is so often ungreatful and undeserving of even the very air that i am breathing into my lungs. I wish i could promise you that i will always live for you, i wish i could promise you perfection. But, in all of my trying I continue to let you down, so all i can give you besides a measly thank you is my life (that i so often take into my own hands) and my heart (that will often doubt and even get angry) and my soul (which seems to be such an simple and unworthy gift) and my praise (that will remain only towards you for the rest of eternity) and until i am with you forever that is all i have but words can't describe how i wish i could give everything you deserve (for this is just so little for all you nailed to that tree)"

as i am here in this extrodinary moment as i am thinking of you... as my hands are towards you, can you feel me, can you feel my thoughts, can you feel my head spinning with all the crazy ideas of me and you or just feel my energy cause my heart is screaming inside and praying that you'll feel even the slightest thing from inside of me"

"It is the incessant turmoil of the world, the constant attraction of earthly things, which takes our soul from Christ. We must be determined that whatever else we let slip through our fingers and from our minds, we will hold fast to Jesus." C. H. Spurgeon This world is so full of hate and evil - everything that God despises. It isn't easy to be here living here amongst Satan himself (who does everything in his power to make sin look appealing and most of the time does a sucessful job). Considering we are human and failing is part of our very being, it isn't a difficult task for Satan to creep up on any of us at any moment and take our minds and hearts away from the flawless one. God so badly wants us to love him and to follow him with our whole hearts - but this is nearly impossible here on earth because of all the attractive, yet sinful things that each of us engage in everyday - with each of us having our weaknesses that Satan and his army prey on every minute of

'i want so badly to touch your face with my trembling hands... and there are so many things muddled up in my head that are begging me to form words" ac

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting - but a women who serves the Lord is to be praised" Prov 31:30 I love this verse cause it brings me back quickly to what God finds admirable and beautiful in women. As as i have made it one of the many things i try to live by, i find it really hard to live as a Godly women and not by how the world lives. let me put that a different way - it can be hard not to think that beauty and charm etc is not important because it is important here -- and yes we are supposed to "live in the world but not of the world" But, it's just not easy. in fact ... it is very easy to get caught up in the fact that no one notices you unless your the perfect female picture. professionally as well as socially - and im sure it goes both ways to some extent and i'm not saying that guys don't have their own social norms they are "supposed" to live up too. im just saying that living in a world as a female and trying to live by those

"in my head i always see my life going so differently then in pans out. and the more i see you the more i wish i was living my dreams rather than this hidden unkept path i am headed down (the one that renders me unnoticed) i'm not sure what more i can do to make you see me, cause right now (in this reality) not only to you not see me but your glances pass through me like the light passes through a window (which is only good for letting light thru to the other side) while trying to find the one that you can't live without. i guess all i can ask for is a thought my way and a hope that maybe one day you will see me (not thru me) and smile - and somehow in that moment everything will make sense and i'll hold my breath hoping that the bubble won't burst . . . or maybe i'm just a big dreamer" ac

"i'm never quite the girl who's good enough to be anymore than the girl in the background. somebody's good friend, somebody's coach, somebody's hero, or maybe a great person but, i'm the one who's a little to quiet or not quiet enough. a little to radical, or too conservative. the girl who dresses a little to out of the box which is cool, but not an attractive quality to any man she may love. willing to steop out of the mold long enough for too many people to noitce and yet pretend they didn't. i'm the girl who is never quite what anyone is looking for. never pretty enough, never old enough, never dress right, maybea good idea in a time when outsides don't matter as much as what someone is made of on the inside. when inner beauty was the most beautiful thing of all... in a time when beauty is seen even if not pretty everyday. but in this world, i'm just your average looking, early twenty something who never says enough and who always fad

O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God;

"everything about this situation is leading me towards the fact that i should be running as fast as i can in the opposite direction . . . i guess thats what passed experiences do to someone like me i don't want to risk my heart again cause the last time it almost killed me and now i guess it jaded me to the place where i have trouble believing that love is an attainable thing for me cause the looming thought of the rejection (that will most likly fall from this) is too scary for my heart to cope with so, as always i am here at your feet Lord, praying for guidance from you once again hoping that you will pick me up and and tell me that everything will be ok. I know that i should be content right here (with me and you) and yet most of the time i have this unrelenting need in the back of my head that wants to know i am someone that someone else could love. i know you have control of this, in my heart, but i'm having a hard time convincing my doubting self conscious head . . .

Big Five Word Test Results Extroversion (21%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. Accommodation (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (55%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun. Emotional Stability (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Inquisitiveness (70%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical. Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test personality tests by similarminds.com

"teach me to love like you and follow you with reckless abandon... i have this urge to know you better than anything ... to seek after you and understand you (as best i can) to live as you intended, to love you as you would have, to reach out to the needy.. use my life in what will best serve your will. my life is in your hands for now and forever. and even when i stray (because i will enevitably fail) i know that you will come find me and show me the way back home" ac

"waiting for you all these years has made me realize that dreams are a gift to keep a person sane when they are all you have to hold on too... and although what is in my mind may never come true when i close my eyes you are mine for eternity... when i close my eyes you love me too... and when my eyes open and light seeps back in i wait for the night when my eyes close again" ac

i wonder what would happen if i spoke all that was on my mind or if you would empty out the contents of yours. i'm afraid, cause i am starting to fall - my knees are buckling, my heart is pounding out of my chest, along with shortness of breath... and everything around me is blurry... but you. . . thats never a good sign cause my heart can't stand another break" ac

" i was just wonding if... it crossed my mind a few times that... do you think maybe we could... i don't know how to tell you, but... what would you say if... you see, all i want to know is... [silence] could you ever love me?" ac - 2001

"as always, after so long and so many excuses for you leaving, your return is greatly anticipated but for so many different reasons. seeing you again will be like meeting you for the first time and seeing you in a completely different light. i want to know what you look like without my rose colored glasses on... i want to see you as the rest of the world sees you, (with flaws and imperfections) to see you as. . . human" ac - 2003

"can't turn back now, you can't change my mind... (you no longer have the power) there is too much at stake this time, and i won't let you ruin this... I just can't look back or look into your eyes, there is magic in them that my heart can't break let me go, let me let go of you i want to know who i am without you you had your chance and my heart for way too long... and now i want it back i know i will always hold you in my heart, but i am attempting to take my life back and it is no longer in your hands i have flown away" ac - early 2004

"i am sitting here you missing you more than my fragile heart can take. i want to be bold, to tell you everything i feel (feelings that words could never fully explain). i long to talk to you, to hear your voice, but beyond all that, to let my eyes see you again and my hands to touch you so i know if it is real or just a dream. what must i do to convice you i am good enough (what must i do to convince myself?) good enough to be your girl, your love. i wish i wasn't so afraid of the outcome if only you could feel my love, hear how much love is in my heart, how it beats with so much love for you. but for now i wait. wait for a chance, for a bit of hope to shine though, giving me something small to hold on to... in hopes that one day it will be your heart." ac - 2002

"my mind is so lost living on a moment to moment basis waiting for something else to fall to peices in front of me that it is nearly impossible to make sense of the millions of thoughts scattered to every corner. in a mess so catastrophic that the puzzles of my life might never get solved (and i will just remain peices to an unfinshed masterpeice?). you have put me in the middle of something with no end in sight. so many things look the same that it feels like i'm walking around in circles. please bring me through this so i don't end up running in the wrong direction of every place you are . cause when it's all said and done, your the only thing that keeps me standing as you guide me blindly towards eternity" ac - 2005

"as the details of my world fall apart you are the solid ground on which i stand time after time. i'm sure that there is an end to this madness somewhere down the line and a reason for this mess that is covering me. but, it would be a lot easier to see it all from the view up there. It's not that I can't feel you here, i just doubt the fact that i acutally believe it. cause despite my faith and love for you, i've decided to plug my ears to the words you have tried to whisper in my ears. i guess i just don't want to hear everything that i already know again because sometimes it makes so little sense. so many times i get tangled up in my pain and confusion that i can't (or don't want to) get nraveled from the bundle of knots. Yet, in the midst of my consuming worry i could definitely use your reassuring words or feel your love -that i try to hard to resist- to encapsulate me. but now as i try to pull myself up off this floor and see above the thick fog i&