Showing posts from September, 2005

the one

"I don't think that
i've ever told you
that the way your eyes dance
brings a smile to my face.
i guess it's just one of those things
that i have put on my
"to do" list.
those good ideas i get
that never actually
show their face.
funny how a person
can have so much to
say to another
and only
end up smiling,
yet screaming
with all they have in them.
hoping that maybe their
eyes or expressions may give
a little bit of what is going on
inside of their heads
(and hearts)
away to the person
that has captured their attention.
I have been here once
but never with you...
never with a person
that not only bring joy to my life,
but who makes me want to be
a better person and who
makes all the cares and concerns of
my life seem very insignificant.
and now that i am at this place
where words seem to fail me,
i can honestly say that i have
no where else to look.
so for now, i will wait
for the day that you notice
me for all that i am
and the day that i slowly
start becoming the one
that you can'…

bring on the rain

"Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away
somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost but not the war

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ‘round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing,
but I’m not dead

Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight"

JoDee Messina

i think this song speaks into my life enough without me saying any more

very little for so very much

"i saw you tonight
sitting beside me,
crying with me, and holding me
near to you
all i could think of
how could you
love me that much
. . .
as much as to die
for me
. . .
for my stupid hell deserving
soul that is so often
ungreatful and undeserving
of even the very air that
i am breathing into my lungs.
I wish i could promise you
that i will always live for you,
i wish i could promise you perfection.
But, in all of my trying
I continue to let you down,
so all i can give you
besides a measly thank you
is my life
(that i so often take into my own hands)
and my heart
(that will often doubt and even get angry)
and my soul
(which seems to be such an simple and unworthy gift)
and my praise
(that will remain only towards you for the rest of eternity)
and until i am
with you forever
that is all i have
words can't describe
how i wish i could give
everything you deserve
(for this is just so little
for all you
nailed to that tree)"

i just may be crazy?

as i am here
in this extrodinary moment
as i am thinking of you...
as my hands are towards you,
can you feel me,
can you feel my thoughts,
can you feel my
head spinning
with all the crazy
ideas of me and you
just feel my energy
cause my heart
is screaming
inside and praying
that you'll feel even the slightest
thing from inside of me"

from the mouth of C. H. Spurgeon

"It is the incessant turmoil of the world, the constant attraction of earthly things, which takes our soul from Christ. We must be determined that whatever else we let slip through our fingers and from our minds, we will hold fast to Jesus." C. H. Spurgeon

This world is so full of hate and evil - everything that God despises. It isn't easy to be here living here amongst Satan himself (who does everything in his power to make sin look appealing and most of the time does a sucessful job). Considering we are human and failing is part of our very being, it isn't a difficult task for Satan to creep up on any of us at any moment and take our minds and hearts away from the flawless one. God so badly wants us to love him and to follow him with our whole hearts - but this is nearly impossible here on earth because of all the attractive, yet sinful things that each of us engage in everyday - with each of us having our weaknesses that Satan and his army prey on every minute of …

silent thoughts at 2:30 am

'i want so badly to touch
your face with my
trembling hands...
there are so many things
muddled up in my head
that are begging
to form words"


Prov. 31:30

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting - but a women who serves the Lord is to be praised" Prov 31:30

I love this verse cause it brings me back quickly to what God finds admirable and beautiful in women. As as i have made it one of the many things i try to live by, i find it really hard to live as a Godly women and not by how the world lives. let me put that a different way - it can be hard not to think that beauty and charm etc is not important because it is important here -- and yes we are supposed to "live in the world but not of the world" But, it's just not easy. in fact ... it is very easy to get caught up in the fact that no one notices you unless your the perfect female picture. professionally as well as socially - and im sure it goes both ways to some extent and i'm not saying that guys don't have their own social norms they are "supposed" to live up too.

im just saying that living in a world as a female and trying to live by those …

always a dream

"in my head i always see
my life going so differently
then in pans out.
and the more i see you
the more i wish i
was living my dreams
rather than this
hidden unkept path
i am headed down
(the one that renders me unnoticed)
i'm not sure what
more i can
do to make you
see me,
cause right now
(in this reality)
not only to you not see me
but your glances pass through
me like the light
passes through a window
(which is only good for letting light
thru to the other side)
while trying to find the
that you can't live without.
i guess all i can ask for is a
thought my way
and a hope that maybe
one day you will
see me (not thru me)
and smile -
and somehow in that moment
everything will make sense
and i'll hold my breath
hoping that the bubble won't burst
. . .
or maybe i'm just a
big dreamer"


always...never quite enough

"i'm never quite the girl
who's good enough
to be anymore than
the girl in the background.
somebody's good friend,
somebody's coach,
somebody's hero,
maybe a great person
i'm the one who's
a little to quiet
not quiet enough.
a little to radical,
too conservative.
the girl who dresses a little to
out of the box
which is cool,
but not an attractive
quality to any man she may love.
willing to steop out of
the mold long enough
for too many people
to noitce and
yet pretend they didn't.
i'm the girl who is never quite
what anyone is looking for.
never pretty enough,
never old enough,
never dress right,
maybea good idea in a time
when outsides don't matter
as much as what someone
is made of on the inside.
when inner beauty
was the most beautiful thing
of all...
in a time when beauty is seen
even if not pretty everyday.
but in this world,
i'm just your average looking,
early twenty something
who never says enough and
who always fades into
the background
and maybe thought of as…

Psalm 143

O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good…


"everything about this situation
is leading me towards the fact that
i should be running
as fast as i can
in the opposite
. . .
i guess thats what
experiences do
to someone like

i don't want to risk
my heart again cause the
last time it almost killed me
and now i guess
it jaded me to the
place where
i have trouble believing
that love is
an attainable thing for

cause the looming
thought of the rejection
(that will most likly
fall from this)
is too scary for
my heart to
cope with

so, as always
i am here at your feet Lord,
praying for guidance
from you once again
hoping that you
will pick me up and
and tell me that
everything will be ok.

I know that i should be
content right here
(with me and you)
and yet most of the time
i have this unrelenting
need in the back of my
head that wants to
know i am
someone that
someone else could love.
i know you have control
of this,
in my heart,
but i'm having a hard
time convincing my
doubting self conscious head
. . .
please remind it once again"


somewhat interesting?!?

Big Five Word Test Results Extroversion (21%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.
Accommodation (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense of your own individual development (martyr complex).
Orderliness (55%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, structured, and self controlled while still remaining flexible, varied, and fun.
Emotional Stability (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.
Inquisitiveness (70%) high which suggests you are very intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.
Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by

attemping to follow my leader

"teach me to love like you
and follow you
with reckless abandon...
i have this urge to know
you better than
anything ...
to seek after you and understand you
(as best i can)
to live as you intended,
to love you as you would have,
to reach out to the needy..
use my life in what will best
serve your will.
my life is in your hands
for now and forever.
and even when i stray
(because i will enevitably fail)
i know that you will
come find me and show
me the way back home"


when i close my eyes

"waiting for you
all these years
has made me realize that
dreams are a gift to
keep a person sane
when they are all you have to hold
on too...
and although what is
in my mind may never
come true
when i close my eyes
you are mine for eternity...
when i close my eyes
you love me too...
and when my eyes open and light
seeps back in
i wait for the night
when my eyes close again"



i wonder what would happen
if i spoke all that was on
my mind
or if you would empty
out the contents of yours.
i'm afraid, cause i am
starting to fall -
my knees are buckling,
my heart is pounding out
of my chest,
along with shortness of breath...
and everything
around me
is blurry...
but you. . .

a good
my heart
can't stand


tongue tied

" i was just wonding if...

it crossed my mind a few times that...

do you think maybe we could...

i don't know how to tell you, but...

what would you say if...

you see, all i want to know is...


could you ever love me?"

ac - 2001

finally human

"as always,
after so long
and so many
excuses for you
your return is greatly
but for so many different reasons.

seeing you again will be like
meeting you for the
first time and seeing you
in a completely different light.

i want to know what you
look like
without my rose colored glasses on...
i want to see you
as the rest of the world
sees you,
(with flaws and imperfections)

to see you as. . . human"

ac - 2003


"can't turn back now,
you can't change my mind...
(you no longer have the power)
there is too much at stake this time,
and i won't let you ruin this...

I just can't look back
or look into your eyes,
there is magic in them that my
heart can't break

let me go, let me let go of you
i want to know who i am
without you

you had your chance
and my heart for way
too long...
and now i want it back

i know i will always
hold you in my heart,
but i am attempting to take
my life back
and it is no longer in your hands
i have flown away"

ac - early 2004

holding on

"i am sitting here you
missing you more than my
fragile heart can take.
i want to be bold, to tell you everything
i feel
(feelings that words could never fully explain).
i long to talk to you, to hear your voice,
but beyond all that, to let my eyes see you again
and my hands to touch you
so i know if it is real
or just a dream.

what must i do to convice you i am good enough
(what must i do to convince myself?)
good enough to be your girl, your love.
i wish i wasn't so afraid of the outcome

if only you could feel my love, hear how much
love is in my heart,
how it beats with so much love for you.
but for now i wait.
wait for a chance, for a bit of hope to shine though,
giving me something small to hold on to...
in hopes that one day it will be your heart."

ac - 2002

guiding me blindly to etenity

"my mind is so lost
living on a moment to moment
waiting for something else
to fall to peices in front of me
that it is nearly
impossible to make
sense of the millions of thoughts
scattered to every corner.
in a mess so catastrophic
that the puzzles of my life
never get solved
(and i will just remain peices to
an unfinshed masterpeice?).
you have put me in the
middle of something
with no end in sight.
so many things look the same
that it feels like
i'm walking around
in circles.
please bring me through
this so i don't end up
running in the wrong direction
of every place you are .
cause when it's all said and done,
your the only thing that keeps me
as you guide me blindly
towards eternity"

ac - 2005

failing beautifully once again

"as the details of my
world fall apart
you are the solid ground
on which i stand
time after time.
i'm sure that there
is an end to this madness
somewhere down the line
and a reason for
this mess that is covering me.
but, it would be a lot easier to
see it all from the view
up there.
It's not that I can't feel
you here, i just doubt the
fact that i acutally believe it.
cause despite my faith and love for you,
i've decided
to plug my ears to the words
you have tried to whisper in my ears.
i guess i just don't want to hear
everything that i already know
because sometimes it makes so little sense.
so many times i get tangled up
in my pain and confusion
that i can't
(or don't want to)
get nraveled from the bundle of knots.
Yet, in the midst of my consuming worry
i could definitely use your
reassuring words or feel your love
-that i try to hard to resist-
to encapsulate me.
but now
as i try to pull myself up off
this floor and see above the
thick fog i'm living in
i faintly get a glims…