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Showing posts from July, 2005

unknown one

"if i could spend the rest
of my life in your eyes...
i would be a lucky women.
they are so real and magical
with a sparkle of the unknown
which is left in the air
like the morning dew as the
first ray of sunlight splashes over the horizon.
it would be an honor
to share your dreams
and witness your life -
to walk beside you through
this short jouney.
just looking at your dancing
eyes and that incredible and
loving smile
i can't help but pray
that one day
i can be a part of
your life"

ac - 2005

security?

these feelings of confusion
surround me here
could you lend me our eyes for
a moment?
this place i'm in
crazy and complex.
everytime i think
i have it figured out
you prove me wrong.
so i found living in confusion
is better than having
reality smashed into peices.
the more you show me
the more i realize how small
a part of this world
i am
and yet how big an impact
can start from a tiny spark
so, i'll just walk along
this broken trail
that seems to look vastly
different each day
and let you lead me
through this
trusting that no matter what changes
you will remain the same.
in my brokenness
you are here beside me
whether or not
i can feel your breath

do you mind if i close my eyes?
i'd feel safer just holding your hand

ac - 2005

hidden fears

"I'm so afraid
of loving again,
of opening my heart up -
so terrified of rejection
and the sting that
lasts for so long
after everything is said and done
and i'm left alone with only my thoughts

how do i put myself there again...
when there are so many times
when i just wasn't good enough -
not enough of what they wanted..
i don't want to change who i am
just to have love returned
but it always seems to be the only way...
i guess i just seem to get
lost in the shadows of everyone else.
and never quite enough.

my confidence is lacking words to make
me feel better and convince me
that i can be myself.
Lord i need you to love me
and be all i need
now and forever

i just don't want to end up
with another one of these
scars on my heart
tainted by unrequited love"

acceptance

This experience is so far away
from anything I've ever called home.
our lives are worlds apart
yet it seems that we could touch...
How can beauty be masked by such pain?
what if we noticed the beauty
that wasn't pretty everyday?
the beauty thatlives in this culture
day in and out...
that we deem a waste of our time.
how do we see this part of society
and love it
pretending that we have
not been taught to
ignore it all...
how do we model Jesus
here in this place?

this is our culture and
the real problem here
is how we refuse
them the one thing
they so desperatly
want from us
...
acceptance.

ac - 2205

oblivious

"have you read my eyes before?
hidden inside them is
everything i'm feeling,
yet too afraid to speak..
but, if you look close enough
you will find all
you need to know"

ac - 2005

belief

i was recently watching some of the nooma videos - with Rob Bell. I find them all really making me ask serious questions about myself and learning new ideas about how i live. one of them was talking about the disciples and how they were not "the best of the best", but one of the many kids who weren't good enough to be a disciple of a rabbi (learn to be who the rabbi was). they were the kids who instead went and learned the family business. so when Jesus came around (a rabbi) and asked them to be his disciples, of course they were willing to drop everything to follow him ... (i can't really go into the depth of the movie but Jesus went out of his way to pick the ones who were not picked - to prove a point that we are all equal, and we all are worthy of following him and striving to be like him.)
i used to think it was kind of funny how these men just dropped everything because he asked them too... but when you look at it from the perspective of the culture, Jesus aski…

maybe?

"if you saw
deep inside my soul.
saw me for
everything i am.
saw all the love
that could be
held in my
heart
only for you...
would it phase you?

am i fooling myself?
if it foolish to
believe that
you could every love me?
hopeless to dream that
one day
my life
could mean more
to you than your own?

i am lost in my own
world of ignorance.
set apart from reality
seeing only you
...
wanting only you.

could you ever see
past my imperfections?
will you ever see me
for what i am
instead of what
i'm not?

i might be
everything you've
been looking for
and i can make you
happy.
there's nothing
i wouldn't do

and until you
give me the
chance
to prove my words
i'll keep
wishing
you
were
here"

ac

words unspoken

"how do i say the words
that dare not come
out of my mouth

my mind thinks up
such crazy things
that so desperatly want
to be shared with you -
it all seems so jumbled
and turned upside down
when said out loud
(funny how it makes perfect sense in my head)

i feel so many things
and my emotions
are running so high
i don't think they'll ever
come down.
spinning thoughts at a pace
i can't keep up with"

ac - 2005

all for good

it's funny - all the places life brings us and the people we meet as we live our lives.
different people have profoundly different reasons for being in your life-
but all of them have help you become the person you are right now...
i just thought i would write out a random blog to let everyone who is now or was in my life
know that i wouldn't have changed a moment, because i wouldn't be here now - as the person i am
if God had not brought you into my life (and that means all the good and bad times that came along
with everything)

God has done more things for me and my life - and i know i have many disagreements with him (which i loose) but he always proves himself (which is not something he has to do) and even though i may not understand a lot of things - i do have faith that He has my best intersts at the heart of everything - and he has this incredible plan for who he wants me to be - which is sometimes hard to grasp - it boggles my mind as to why he cares so much for me, but i…

unfirmilar territory

"I couldn't stay stuck there forever...
i had to pick myself back up
and move on -
my heart didn't want to,
but since you didn't listen
to your's
i stopped listening to mine.
so, my head too it
kicking and screaming
in the opposite direction
of everything I ever hoped for
and painted a smile on my face

to be honest, it grew on me
i couldn't just stay,
waiting for you to give me
the chance i deserved...
so i slowly moved on

if you even care"

ac 2004

faith

what i am to feel right now?
i'm alone, empty, seemingly cursed by the world
i've got so much to give
so why to i feel so utterly useless..
i've grown up and looked back
on my still short life...
wonder how my niavity got me here.
everything is closing in on me now
and the light is evaporating
so easily into the incompassing darkness

where am i in this mess,
more importantly...
where are you?
how do we live as we should
and love one another
with all the hate and evil among us?
how do we convince ourselves that we need
to act together, to love together...
please take me our of my selfishness
long enough to hear your voice.
i'm crying out on the inside,
but i'm not allowing myself to
say it out loud -
afraid where the outcome
will put me
and what i will have to face.

seep your strength and love into my soul...
give me that push off this building -
cause i can't jump on my own.
i'm scared to death of landing on my face.
give me the faith that
you are here to help me fly
or catch me w…

undeserving

i am a simple minded human
and yet despite my idiosyncracies
and imperfections
you still love me - more than i could
ever reason through or deserve.
you are the reason i smile, the reason i dream,
the reason i live.
without you
no purpose exists and meaning disappears
and no matter how many times
i try to do this on my own
and fail -
and i have to learn the lesson again.
you always come running when
you hear me call your name.

as i'm wandering down this dark and gloomy
road - i have lost sight of you
please grab hold of my hand
before i get lost yet again
i know you're right here with me,
but it gets so easy to forget.
quietly remind me that there is more
than this. this pain... this hopelessness -
cause it continually overwhelms me...
i do know Lord that no matter how
many times i get lost or stray from your path
my heart will never leave your hand and your eyes are always
watching me.
i know you will always help me find my way
back to into your arms"

ac - 2005

"world on fire"

World on Fire - Sarah Mclachlan
http://www.sarahmclachlan.com/

"The worlds on fire its more then I can handle
Ill tap into the water try and bring my share
Try to bring more, more then I can handle
Bring it to the table Bring what I am able

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
Youre not alone in these stories pages
The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And Ill try to hold it in Yeah Ill try to hold it in

Chorus

I watch the heavens but I find no calling
Something I can do to change whats coming
Stay close to me while the skys falling
I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone

Chorus

Hearts break hearts mend
love still hurts
Visions clash planes crash
still theres talk of
saving souls still colds closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take the less we become
The fortune of one man means less for some"

sometimes i feel like there is so little i can do - so helpless and so little in this big world that is on a ser…

untouchable

"look at that star
isn't it incredible?
it's my favorite...

i've been reaching for it
and no matter how hard i try
and how high i jump
it never seems to be enough

still, i never stop trying -
i'm so desperate to see what
lies beyond it

what would it mean for
my insignificant life
to actually reach up
and grab hold of it?

it is always shining
brighter each day
mocking me as i jump
with all my might

and yet, i'll never
fully realize just how
niave it is to reach out
for it -
the one that will
always be just beyond
my grasp"

ac - 2005

change

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we got to talking about a few things. Like how do we as christians impact this world. i find that it is important to wait for God to give us the right opportunities and not jump in too quickly. but first and foremost we have to realize that as a whole - we are powerful - we have GOd behind us every step of the way. we need to grasp onto him and onto each other, forgetting all of the crap and petty nonesense that we get so caught up and stop fighting with each other... the more we focus on the each others sins and each others problems, the more we stop focusing on loving each other and we really forget about loving all people. if we can't even get ourselves to work with each other and get the focus out of our own little "me" world... then we are never going let God do his will. He gave us a task and that is to go out and make disciples - but we seem to take it on individuals. yet we need to realize how powerful we can be…