Out of the Ashes

"if i could spend the rest of my life in your eyes... i would be a lucky women. they are so real and magical with a sparkle of the unknown which is left in the air like the morning dew as the first ray of sunlight splashes over the horizon. it would be an honor to share your dreams and witness your life - to walk beside you through this short jouney. just looking at your dancing eyes and that incredible and loving smile i can't help but pray that one day i can be a part of your life" ac - 2005

these feelings of confusion surround me here could you lend me our eyes for a moment? this place i'm in crazy and complex. everytime i think i have it figured out you prove me wrong. so i found living in confusion is better than having reality smashed into peices. the more you show me the more i realize how small a part of this world i am and yet how big an impact can start from a tiny spark so, i'll just walk along this broken trail that seems to look vastly different each day and let you lead me through this trusting that no matter what changes you will remain the same. in my brokenness you are here beside me whether or not i can feel your breath do you mind if i close my eyes? i'd feel safer just holding your hand ac - 2005

"I'm so afraid of loving again, of opening my heart up - so terrified of rejection and the sting that lasts for so long after everything is said and done and i'm left alone with only my thoughts how do i put myself there again... when there are so many times when i just wasn't good enough - not enough of what they wanted.. i don't want to change who i am just to have love returned but it always seems to be the only way... i guess i just seem to get lost in the shadows of everyone else. and never quite enough. my confidence is lacking words to make me feel better and convince me that i can be myself. Lord i need you to love me and be all i need now and forever i just don't want to end up with another one of these scars on my heart tainted by unrequited love"

This experience is so far away from anything I've ever called home. our lives are worlds apart yet it seems that we could touch... How can beauty be masked by such pain? what if we noticed the beauty that wasn't pretty everyday? the beauty thatlives in this culture day in and out... that we deem a waste of our time. how do we see this part of society and love it pretending that we have not been taught to ignore it all... how do we model Jesus here in this place? this is our culture and the real problem here is how we refuse them the one thing they so desperatly want from us ... acceptance. ac - 2205

"have you read my eyes before? hidden inside them is everything i'm feeling, yet too afraid to speak.. but, if you look close enough you will find all you need to know" ac - 2005

i was recently watching some of the nooma videos - with Rob Bell. I find them all really making me ask serious questions about myself and learning new ideas about how i live. one of them was talking about the disciples and how they were not "the best of the best", but one of the many kids who weren't good enough to be a disciple of a rabbi (learn to be who the rabbi was). they were the kids who instead went and learned the family business. so when Jesus came around (a rabbi) and asked them to be his disciples, of course they were willing to drop everything to follow him ... (i can't really go into the depth of the movie but Jesus went out of his way to pick the ones who were not picked - to prove a point that we are all equal, and we all are worthy of following him and striving to be like him.) i used to think it was kind of funny how these men just dropped everything because he asked them too... but when you look at it from the perspective of the culture, Jesus askin

"if you saw deep inside my soul. saw me for everything i am. saw all the love that could be held in my heart only for you... would it phase you? am i fooling myself? if it foolish to believe that you could every love me? hopeless to dream that one day my life could mean more to you than your own? i am lost in my own world of ignorance. set apart from reality seeing only you ... wanting only you. could you ever see past my imperfections? will you ever see me for what i am instead of what i'm not? i might be everything you've been looking for and i can make you happy. there's nothing i wouldn't do and until you give me the chance to prove my words i'll keep wishing you were here" ac

"how do i say the words that dare not come out of my mouth my mind thinks up such crazy things that so desperatly want to be shared with you - it all seems so jumbled and turned upside down when said out loud (funny how it makes perfect sense in my head) i feel so many things and my emotions are running so high i don't think they'll ever come down. spinning thoughts at a pace i can't keep up with" ac - 2005

it's funny - all the places life brings us and the people we meet as we live our lives. different people have profoundly different reasons for being in your life- but all of them have help you become the person you are right now... i just thought i would write out a random blog to let everyone who is now or was in my life know that i wouldn't have changed a moment, because i wouldn't be here now - as the person i am if God had not brought you into my life (and that means all the good and bad times that came along with everything) God has done more things for me and my life - and i know i have many disagreements with him (which i loose) but he always proves himself (which is not something he has to do) and even though i may not understand a lot of things - i do have faith that He has my best intersts at the heart of everything - and he has this incredible plan for who he wants me to be - which is sometimes hard to grasp - it boggles my mind as to why he cares so much for me,

"I couldn't stay stuck there forever... i had to pick myself back up and move on - my heart didn't want to, but since you didn't listen to your's i stopped listening to mine. so, my head too it kicking and screaming in the opposite direction of everything I ever hoped for and painted a smile on my face to be honest, it grew on me i couldn't just stay, waiting for you to give me the chance i deserved... so i slowly moved on if you even care" ac 2004

what i am to feel right now? i'm alone, empty, seemingly cursed by the world i've got so much to give so why to i feel so utterly useless.. i've grown up and looked back on my still short life... wonder how my niavity got me here. everything is closing in on me now and the light is evaporating so easily into the incompassing darkness where am i in this mess, more importantly... where are you? how do we live as we should and love one another with all the hate and evil among us? how do we convince ourselves that we need to act together, to love together... please take me our of my selfishness long enough to hear your voice. i'm crying out on the inside, but i'm not allowing myself to say it out loud - afraid where the outcome will put me and what i will have to face. seep your strength and love into my soul... give me that push off this building - cause i can't jump on my own. i'm scared to death of landing on my face. give me the faith that you are here to he

i am a simple minded human and yet despite my idiosyncracies and imperfections you still love me - more than i could ever reason through or deserve. you are the reason i smile, the reason i dream, the reason i live. without you no purpose exists and meaning disappears and no matter how many times i try to do this on my own and fail - and i have to learn the lesson again. you always come running when you hear me call your name. as i'm wandering down this dark and gloomy road - i have lost sight of you please grab hold of my hand before i get lost yet again i know you're right here with me, but it gets so easy to forget. quietly remind me that there is more than this. this pain... this hopelessness - cause it continually overwhelms me... i do know Lord that no matter how many times i get lost or stray from your path my heart will never leave your hand and your eyes are always watching me. i know you will always help me find my way back to into your arms" ac - 2005

World on Fire - Sarah Mclachlan http://www.sarahmclachlan.com/ "The worlds on fire its more then I can handle Ill tap into the water try and bring my share Try to bring more, more then I can handle Bring it to the table Bring what I am able Hearts are worn in these dark ages Youre not alone in these stories pages The light has fallen amongst the living and the dying And Ill try to hold it in Yeah Ill try to hold it in Chorus I watch the heavens but I find no calling Something I can do to change whats coming Stay close to me while the skys falling I dont wanna be left alone dont wanna be alone Chorus Hearts break hearts mend love still hurts Visions clash planes crash still theres talk of saving souls still colds closing in on us We part the veil on our killer sun Stray from the straight line on this short run The more we take the less we become The fortune of one man means less for some" sometimes i feel like there is so little i can do - so helpless and so little in this bi

"look at that star isn't it incredible? it's my favorite... i've been reaching for it and no matter how hard i try and how high i jump it never seems to be enough still, i never stop trying - i'm so desperate to see what lies beyond it what would it mean for my insignificant life to actually reach up and grab hold of it? it is always shining brighter each day mocking me as i jump with all my might and yet, i'll never fully realize just how niave it is to reach out for it - the one that will always be just beyond my grasp" ac - 2005

i was talking to a friend of mine the other day and we got to talking about a few things. Like how do we as christians impact this world. i find that it is important to wait for God to give us the right opportunities and not jump in too quickly. but first and foremost we have to realize that as a whole - we are powerful - we have GOd behind us every step of the way. we need to grasp onto him and onto each other, forgetting all of the crap and petty nonesense that we get so caught up and stop fighting with each other... the more we focus on the each others sins and each others problems, the more we stop focusing on loving each other and we really forget about loving all people. if we can't even get ourselves to work with each other and get the focus out of our own little "me" world... then we are never going let God do his will. He gave us a task and that is to go out and make disciples - but we seem to take it on individuals. yet we need to realize how powerful we can be