Out of the Ashes

"could you please let me up from underneath your foot now?" ac

"It doesn't interest me whatyou do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your hearts desires. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of just being alive. It doesn't interest me what planetes are surrounding your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or if you have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hid, or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with the wilderness and let ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers to the bottom of your toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. I want to know if you can disapoint another and still be true...

"wasn't it the way that our laughs filled the night and how our conversation felt so fresh, that made everything seem to finally feel so right. and now it is all seeming to come to such an abrupt stop - faster then this started (even though I knew this was inevitable) . . . it stops with you following a dream that you deserve so very much and me none the wiser to the what might have been. you've become so close to me in such a short time that i feel i've known you for years... and still i guess this will be as far as i get to telling you my true thoughts and feelings . . . for now" ac

"i'm watching myself as i fall through the cracks of my disessembled life and i know there is nothing i can do to prevent this precarious fall cause now my hands are slowly slipping off this crumbling ledge and i am left hanging here with my dangerous thoughts and my prayer for you to catch me before i hit the ground"

"where do we go from here? whats the next step - i'm asking because i want to know what you're thinking! i'm not sure that i can say goodbye to this unsearched hole we have seemed to dig beneath us. to leave behind the undiscovered possibilities (which could be endless) i'm afraid to even open my mouth because of what might fall out of it. i know that it's not logical to open up a gate that has no place showing it's secrets but i wish we could have seen where this would bring us. and the sensible thing would be to see how life goes and where it brings us . . . but what if it brought us here... here is where we are right now and right now ... i want to spill out my thoughts out for you to hear ... cause if you don't then i just might regret the fact that you left as my heart screamed with all it's might and my just head kept telling it to shut up . . . and you leave without a clue" ac

"everything i could ever hope for is standing right in front of me and i let it pass me by (without even a flinch) i don't want to sit back and let you miss this (miss us) but i'm too afraid and insecure to believe that i could ever be good enough for anyone (let alone you) . . . is it too much to ask for you to want me . . . to need me? . . . before i send up flares that show you the writings on my heart. i want you to find me captivating - to see me for all i am and love me despite my failures. to see me and my naked heart and want no one else is that too much to ask?" ac

"how do you not see me? and how can i feel so passionatly about us when it as never even crossed your mind? and how can i see something that is so far beyond possiblity?" ac

"it's the way you smile that melts my heart. how you can make me love you more as each second passes and as each day slowly crawls by i can only hope to one day get to know your beautiful soul as i know my own. can you read all my eyes are saying? can you hear how much love my heart beats for you? cause if you listen closely they will tell you everything my mouth could never form into words." ac

"I am finally willing to give this up. I've held on so tightly to this dance that we never had and memories only i remember (the ones I made up in my head) and a dream that I thought could be relality that if i don't give it up now, i may loose the ability to discern between the two... so i guess all that is left to do is wait and see if there is really someone out there who will love the me i am so afraid of showing" ac

"touch my world with your fingertips and watch what will happen, what dreams will come to follow - we could have forever in any dream you want, but staying here we will never know where life could take us!?" ac

"i'm lying here unable to express the feelings of my unworthy soul. and writing about you and everything you mean to me has become as impossible task as catching a star in my hand. frivilous words could not even begin to tell the story of you heart . . . the story your eyes seem to tell so well. days and nights become endless . . . now what would you say if i could prove i wasn't crazy?"

"today... from all the little moments to all the smiles, you had my complete attention. as i am watching you i am filled with great anticipation waiting for your next move - knowing it will captivate me more than the last. as we talk, my heart beats faster and my stomach is full of butterflies. i feel as if i don't deserve to be here in your presence. as we are sitting at this table i wonder what other people are thinking. do they see the beauty that you hold? do you captivate their souls as you have mine? the feeling of invincibility comes over me as we are breathing in this fresh air of conversation. i have to admit i am barely listening to your words, but looking into your eyes. they seems to hold a whole new world for anyone who takes the time to look. they reveal the hidden secrets of your soul, and i am slowing finding your hopes and dreams and praying that one day i will see myself there as well. tell me... what do my eyes say? lok at me and tell me what you see ... can...

"I don't think that i've ever told you that the way your eyes dance brings a smile to my face. i guess it's just one of those things that i have put on my "to do" list. those good ideas i get that never actually show their face. funny how a person can have so much to say to another and only end up smiling, yet screaming inside with all they have in them. hoping that maybe their eyes or expressions may give a little bit of what is going on inside of their heads (and hearts) away to the person that has captured their attention. I have been here once before, but never with you... never with a person that not only bring joy to my life, but who makes me want to be a better person and who makes all the cares and concerns of my life seem very insignificant. and now that i am at this place where words seem to fail me, i can honestly say that i have no where else to look. so for now, i will wait for the day that you notice me for all that i am and the day that i slowl...

as i am here in this extrodinary moment as i am thinking of you... as my hands are towards you, can you feel me, can you feel my thoughts, can you feel my head spinning with all the crazy ideas of me and you or just feel my energy cause my heart is screaming inside and praying that you'll feel even the slightest thing from inside of me"

'i want so badly to touch your face with my trembling hands... and there are so many things muddled up in my head that are begging me to form words" ac

"in my head i always see my life going so differently then in pans out. and the more i see you the more i wish i was living my dreams rather than this hidden unkept path i am headed down (the one that renders me unnoticed) i'm not sure what more i can do to make you see me, cause right now (in this reality) not only to you not see me but your glances pass through me like the light passes through a window (which is only good for letting light thru to the other side) while trying to find the one that you can't live without. i guess all i can ask for is a thought my way and a hope that maybe one day you will see me (not thru me) and smile - and somehow in that moment everything will make sense and i'll hold my breath hoping that the bubble won't burst . . . or maybe i'm just a big dreamer" ac

"i'm never quite the girl who's good enough to be anymore than the girl in the background. somebody's good friend, somebody's coach, somebody's hero, or maybe a great person but, i'm the one who's a little to quiet or not quiet enough. a little to radical, or too conservative. the girl who dresses a little to out of the box which is cool, but not an attractive quality to any man she may love. willing to steop out of the mold long enough for too many people to noitce and yet pretend they didn't. i'm the girl who is never quite what anyone is looking for. never pretty enough, never old enough, never dress right, maybea good idea in a time when outsides don't matter as much as what someone is made of on the inside. when inner beauty was the most beautiful thing of all... in a time when beauty is seen even if not pretty everyday. but in this world, i'm just your average looking, early twenty something who never says enough and who always fad...

"everything about this situation is leading me towards the fact that i should be running as fast as i can in the opposite direction . . . i guess thats what passed experiences do to someone like me i don't want to risk my heart again cause the last time it almost killed me and now i guess it jaded me to the place where i have trouble believing that love is an attainable thing for me cause the looming thought of the rejection (that will most likly fall from this) is too scary for my heart to cope with so, as always i am here at your feet Lord, praying for guidance from you once again hoping that you will pick me up and and tell me that everything will be ok. I know that i should be content right here (with me and you) and yet most of the time i have this unrelenting need in the back of my head that wants to know i am someone that someone else could love. i know you have control of this, in my heart, but i'm having a hard time convincing my doubting self conscious head . . ....

"waiting for you all these years has made me realize that dreams are a gift to keep a person sane when they are all you have to hold on too... and although what is in my mind may never come true when i close my eyes you are mine for eternity... when i close my eyes you love me too... and when my eyes open and light seeps back in i wait for the night when my eyes close again" ac

i wonder what would happen if i spoke all that was on my mind or if you would empty out the contents of yours. i'm afraid, cause i am starting to fall - my knees are buckling, my heart is pounding out of my chest, along with shortness of breath... and everything around me is blurry... but you. . . thats never a good sign cause my heart can't stand another break" ac

" i was just wonding if... it crossed my mind a few times that... do you think maybe we could... i don't know how to tell you, but... what would you say if... you see, all i want to know is... [silence] could you ever love me?" ac - 2001

"as always, after so long and so many excuses for you leaving, your return is greatly anticipated but for so many different reasons. seeing you again will be like meeting you for the first time and seeing you in a completely different light. i want to know what you look like without my rose colored glasses on... i want to see you as the rest of the world sees you, (with flaws and imperfections) to see you as. . . human" ac - 2003

"can't turn back now, you can't change my mind... (you no longer have the power) there is too much at stake this time, and i won't let you ruin this... I just can't look back or look into your eyes, there is magic in them that my heart can't break let me go, let me let go of you i want to know who i am without you you had your chance and my heart for way too long... and now i want it back i know i will always hold you in my heart, but i am attempting to take my life back and it is no longer in your hands i have flown away" ac - early 2004

"i am sitting here you missing you more than my fragile heart can take. i want to be bold, to tell you everything i feel (feelings that words could never fully explain). i long to talk to you, to hear your voice, but beyond all that, to let my eyes see you again and my hands to touch you so i know if it is real or just a dream. what must i do to convice you i am good enough (what must i do to convince myself?) good enough to be your girl, your love. i wish i wasn't so afraid of the outcome if only you could feel my love, hear how much love is in my heart, how it beats with so much love for you. but for now i wait. wait for a chance, for a bit of hope to shine though, giving me something small to hold on to... in hopes that one day it will be your heart." ac - 2002

"I don't know exactly what's going on or how i ended up here but i remember you i remember your smile i remember those incredible eyes i remember your intoxicating life that i would lose myself in but you never saw me and i can't blame you for that so as i sit here drinking my coffee and mulling over the many memories i have in my head i could feel so many different ways the only one that seems fitting is to keep remembering you how i saw you then and dream of the better days ahead " ac - 2004

funny how it always comes back to this... me and you. no matter how long i stay away for or how much i hear from you my world revolves around us (the us that never was) how can i put so much energy into leaving you behind and only end up digging my heels in further?? I am fighting a loosing battle and i almost feel now like i'm wasting my time my soul is tired of waiting for a dream it never even tasted but it seems my heart is set against surrendering to the one thing it can never win" ac - 2003

"if i could spend the rest of my life in your eyes... i would be a lucky women. they are so real and magical with a sparkle of the unknown which is left in the air like the morning dew as the first ray of sunlight splashes over the horizon. it would be an honor to share your dreams and witness your life - to walk beside you through this short jouney. just looking at your dancing eyes and that incredible and loving smile i can't help but pray that one day i can be a part of your life" ac - 2005

"I'm so afraid of loving again, of opening my heart up - so terrified of rejection and the sting that lasts for so long after everything is said and done and i'm left alone with only my thoughts how do i put myself there again... when there are so many times when i just wasn't good enough - not enough of what they wanted.. i don't want to change who i am just to have love returned but it always seems to be the only way... i guess i just seem to get lost in the shadows of everyone else. and never quite enough. my confidence is lacking words to make me feel better and convince me that i can be myself. Lord i need you to love me and be all i need now and forever i just don't want to end up with another one of these scars on my heart tainted by unrequited love"

This experience is so far away from anything I've ever called home. our lives are worlds apart yet it seems that we could touch... How can beauty be masked by such pain? what if we noticed the beauty that wasn't pretty everyday? the beauty thatlives in this culture day in and out... that we deem a waste of our time. how do we see this part of society and love it pretending that we have not been taught to ignore it all... how do we model Jesus here in this place? this is our culture and the real problem here is how we refuse them the one thing they so desperatly want from us ... acceptance. ac - 2205

"have you read my eyes before? hidden inside them is everything i'm feeling, yet too afraid to speak.. but, if you look close enough you will find all you need to know" ac - 2005

"if you saw deep inside my soul. saw me for everything i am. saw all the love that could be held in my heart only for you... would it phase you? am i fooling myself? if it foolish to believe that you could every love me? hopeless to dream that one day my life could mean more to you than your own? i am lost in my own world of ignorance. set apart from reality seeing only you ... wanting only you. could you ever see past my imperfections? will you ever see me for what i am instead of what i'm not? i might be everything you've been looking for and i can make you happy. there's nothing i wouldn't do and until you give me the chance to prove my words i'll keep wishing you were here" ac

"how do i say the words that dare not come out of my mouth my mind thinks up such crazy things that so desperatly want to be shared with you - it all seems so jumbled and turned upside down when said out loud (funny how it makes perfect sense in my head) i feel so many things and my emotions are running so high i don't think they'll ever come down. spinning thoughts at a pace i can't keep up with" ac - 2005

"I couldn't stay stuck there forever... i had to pick myself back up and move on - my heart didn't want to, but since you didn't listen to your's i stopped listening to mine. so, my head too it kicking and screaming in the opposite direction of everything I ever hoped for and painted a smile on my face to be honest, it grew on me i couldn't just stay, waiting for you to give me the chance i deserved... so i slowly moved on if you even care" ac 2004

"look at that star isn't it incredible? it's my favorite... i've been reaching for it and no matter how hard i try and how high i jump it never seems to be enough still, i never stop trying - i'm so desperate to see what lies beyond it what would it mean for my insignificant life to actually reach up and grab hold of it? it is always shining brighter each day mocking me as i jump with all my might and yet, i'll never fully realize just how niave it is to reach out for it - the one that will always be just beyond my grasp" ac - 2005

" so it looks as if i'm left here alone with my thoughts once again for being up all night tends to leave a mind to wander and with your return just short of reality little else has been on my mind (surprisingly) the anticipation leaves my heart anxious with wonder and excitement just to see you again (your smile, your eyes, your...) memeories of the past come flooding back and bring a sweet, but short lived smile to my face and a warmth to my heart the pictures i have of you have become old and faded - i guess it's about time for some new ones - yet, all the new and exciting pictures - well they last a while - will eventually fade and distort with time and i will again be reminded of how very far apart we really are" ac - june 1/04

"There are few people who ever truly experience exactly what it is you hold inside your eyes but, it's as if i am seeing the world for the first time, and i could stay here forever if you'd let me?" ac - march 2003

" underneath it all, i'm finding it hard to breath... i was climbing up the wrong side of this collapsing hole when i tried to get you to notice me, i should have looked to someone else all my energy and time spent clawing at a crumbling wall was in vain - the only thing i proved to myself was how heartless you are and now niave i was to believe that my screaming and thrashing arms could have even turned your head. you jut sat there and pretended you didn't know i was crazy about you well, don't bother yourself now, i found a way to breath, a way to pull myself up... even you couldn't bury me alive" ac - june 2004

"I wish i knew what i was waiting for. the past seven years have brought me here and for the first time i have no idea where here is (maybe i never really did) It must be a dream this has to be another world an alternate universe where everything is not what it would seem to be. feelings and emotions run deeper, memory is more vivid, and my heart is continually broken by you the pain is the only thing that reminds me this is real and most of the time it's the one thing i want to forget so i guess i'll just keep following this dark road for this may still go my way one day and maybe then i'll figure out where we are and what we're doing" ac - july 5/04

"spiraling out of control when will this neverending ride come to a stop? i cant see in front of me as it quickly disappears into hindsight and i have lost all sense of direction anyway i may look calm and cool but that is no reflection of the raging emotions my soul is fighting (it has seemed a loosing battle from the start) i wish i felt the way i come across so strong able to handle anything but the truth is ... I am alone and weak, broken and bruised from the twists and turns life's wild ride is conjuring up i have hit one to many walls and stumbled in the dark on so many roots that i have had to start crawling,  lacking the strength to make it any other way one day i will make it to the end of this but for now all i can do is wait on you cause i alone do not possess the courage and ability to come out of this alive... my body does not feel capable of much, but you are all i am lacking and you are my only hope on making through 'till morning stillbreathing" ac

"do i have the faith to keep going? do i have the strength to take up this cross? i can't pick myself up right now maybe i'll just lie here a while and pretend that everything is okey... (it might just disappear?!?) as i look up at the ceiling and watch the heavy snow of life pile up on top of me any light that once gave me peace slowly dims... and the stars that gave me hope are disappearing one by one all i can do is hold my breath and close my eyes cause... im scared to death as i watch my dreams crumble to peices underneath the weight of it all... i can fool everyone else why won't with mask work on me? i wish i could believe that you will pick up all the peices and put everything together... but these shattered reminants of my life appear too small too be recognizable anymore and you couldn't find me in here even if you wanted too... (please prove me wrong)" ac

" tell me im worth something please tell me i've done something right can you give me one reason to not just let go? something small to grasp instead of these weighted words (spoken and unspoken) that have been pulling me underwater i'm running out of air and loosing my will to fight for the seemingly meaningless life why do i bother trying to make you proud of me when nothing i can do is ever good enough" ac

I've been recently been thinking about the whole "love thing". Being a girl and almost 22 and having a bunch of my childhood friends married (or at least engaged). I have to sit back and ask myself what this is all about. How did I get here? Where is here? and why is it so far away from where I thought I would be? Of course with age comes a bit of wisdom (granted it comes very slowly) and I have realized that teenage dating is not exactly the wisest of idea's on any levels - not that is doesn't work out sometimes, but it dont' exactly have a high success rate. And is rarely taken seriously. Now, all of a sudden, for me, dating takes on new meaning. All whole bunch of new meaning and ideas that used to be in the back of our head as something that would happen later. But, now later is here and i'm as single as they come - but i guess you could say it is for a good reason. Being someone who is completely intrigued with the idea of true love. Of a love that pa...