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A Decade Past - a New One Beginning

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Saturday July 7th 2007 -  The day I arrived here - beautiful Victoria BC Canada. It is crazy to think that was a  decade ago - just shy of 24 years old - not having a clue what was coming, only that I needed a change. A chance to find myself , a chance to see what my heart wanted, what my soul was crying out for. All I knew is I needed a change. I had done all the growing up that London Ontario had for me ... so it was time to take everything - all my preconceived notions of my self and what others thought of me - or what I thought they thought of me. I need to try and leave that behind and find the room to make the mistakes and have the set backs without judgement of familiarity and ideas of what you were to become - those things in life that can hold us back (without even realizing it). I needed to take all my hurts, the darkness I lived in, and the pain that I hid with me and find a way out, find out who I truly was. I knew, deep down that this was the only way I was going to see
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a story behind high functioning anxiety

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Let me tell you a story about a little girl. If you looked at this little girl's life from the outside, you may think that she has it all. A strong loving family and everything a little girl could need to start out in a positive way. Now, this little girl went to church and then school and learned very quickly through some early learned and/or picked up habits of interacting with people. Without getting into the how or why for now - no matter where she went or what she did - it seemed that she would get picked on, used, abused, or let down. On top of that, fear started driving her every move and decision. So, picture waking up each and every day, dreading the thought of leaving the house... to go anywhere or do anything. Especially school. Dreading the people you would have to be around and how they would (purposefully or unintentionally) make you feel a even less like a person and more like - at best an inconvenience and at worst a problem. So, her life was spent hiding from peo
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hear my unsaid words

"everything i could ever hope for is standing right in front of me and i let it pass me by (without even a flinch) i don't want to sit back and let you miss this (miss us) but i'm too afraid and insecure to believe that i could ever be good enough for anyone (let alone you) . . . is it too much to ask for you to want me . . . to need me? . . . before i send up flares that show you the writings on my heart. i want you to find me captivating - to see me for all i am and love me despite my failures. to see me and my naked heart and want no one else is that too much to ask?" ac
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