Using Your Past to Change the World

I went head first  into explaining some of  the darkness I have faced in my previous post with basically a brief breakdown of what I felt and went through in my life and how I could see my way out of it.
What I didn't explain though was how some of those hard places, those habitual ways of dealing with people as well as some of the ways I interacted with the world and towards yourself, could still be used for much good after some healing has taken place.
When you live your life in a way that numbs, hides, or discounts your needs and you become a chameleon of sorts, you have a unique ability going forward to find yourself in situations later in life that you may be uncomfortable with and yet hide said discomfort and push your way through it because you had learned how to be someone else for so long. Or, you can be present in many different situations others may find extremely uncomfortable or not be willing to be apart of (for many different reasons).
I am trying hard to explain and find words for what I am trying to say here - but ultimately it is that in my case, I am continuing to find ways that my past self can integrate with the woman I creating and becoming - the one I want to be.
For a long while in my life I thought that I had to create something separate from who I was - until I realized slowly, that I was trying to be everything but what I thought I was and therefore leaving behind some important parts of my core self that I still held dear.
In the movie - Anne of Green Gables : The Sequel, Anne States at the end "I went looking for my ideals outside of myself and I found it's not what the world holds for you, it's what you bring to it. The dreams dearest to my heart are right here.". I love this because it puts to words (before I knew I needed them) exactly what I was doing. I had so many ideas of what I wanted to become and who I wanted to become and what my dreams were and went searching around endless trying to figure that out - and yet I am slowly realizing that who I wanted to become was right inside me all along, I just have to listen long enough and intently enough to hear it.
So, instead of becoming an empty version of what I was - I can become a full version of who I am and thencontinue to add to that.
Furthermore, it helped me realize that who I was/am is not the wounded girl that I was living like, everything I had allowed myself to become or acted as, was a consequence of my past experiences, decisions, and mistakes (as well as a product of how others treated me) - so therefore, that was all just what I created to help me survive. It wasn't ever me ... and once I started to see this and understand what all that meant, I have had so much more understanding in how I was going to start putting everything back together that I so violently tore apart (inside and out).

Who we are is so much more than what we feel, and how others make us feel. How we perceive the world is treating us and who we manage to get along when we don't know any better. Our experiences up to any given point in our lives can blind fold us unknowingly, turn us in circles and ask us to find our way forward. But, the cruel trick to this is - we are then in fact blind and will never be able to see any light that we can follow. So, instead we continue walking around aimlessly, taking advice, guidance, leadership, etc from anyone who would come around. Believing that they must know better than we do - and that they see something we don't.

I believed I was cursed and damned for so many years - silent voices, adults, people I thought were friends, and people i thought at least should love me, as well as people who actually did like me, yet found ways in their own hurt to wound me - kept pulling me and pushing me in so many different directions that had nothing to do with what I wanted or where I wanted to go. Confusion can set in so quickly when we can't see anything but complete and utter darkeness. Living in fear, we find ourselves putting up every single defence mechanism we have at our avial (and this is different for everyone). Any mistake we make from here, just ends up looking and feeling like failure and this of course makes the negative and the fear filled voices that have been filling your head at every turn, seemingly correct.

But, now with the blindfold off and glimpses of light to follow - I can see my way to a destination and if I can't see, at very least I can continue to look through my eyes and trust what I may see or feel - follow my heart or my gut and see where it leads me. Yet, I have the ability to try new things and test the waters of what I feel is me and what is not. Test the difference between discomfort due to distaste or maybe just unfamiliarity and then take the information and decide what I want to keep and what I want to discard.

When you can see that some of the unintended consequences in life from the hurts and hardships you went through, you can see value in things like being able to be that chameleon, not because you are hiding but because you can be something that someone needs and in turn use it as something you need as well (does that make sense?).

I guess the best way I can explain this is with the following: Instead of not loving the part of me that was hurt or the things that I found myself caught up in that I didn't see a way out of  -  I can, in turn use the empathy and grace that I found and that is now a part of me - because of the very fact that I thought I was past redemption for parts of my life. And, if I was not past redemption and grace found me where i was - than not only can I never judge someone else for where they have been or what they have done and how they got there - but I can find myself being the very grace in a moment where they may need it most.

I will leave this for now with this thought : that you can be the difference you want to see in the world by allowing your perceived weakness' to be used hence forth as strengths. You just need to embrace them first and go forward from there!




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